


lilac blooming perennial and drooping star in the west

by forkfru1t



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst and Humor, Childhood Friends, Developing Relationship, Explicit Language, F/F, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Growing Apart, Growing Up Together, Idiots in Love, Kissing, Language of Flowers, M/M, Minor Character Death, Romantic Comedy, Slow Build, Slow Burn, farmer - Freeform, like super sloww, they're so stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:48:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 24,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23525650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forkfru1t/pseuds/forkfru1t
Summary: This is how they talk now, and it’s such a devastatingly stark contrast from when they were younger. Arthur thought that they would be friends until one of them got married or had kids, and even then they would still be together.People often tell others how to deal with the parting of a romantic partner, but no one knows how to lose a friend.(or; Arthur and Merlin grow together, grow apart and find each other again)
Relationships: Gwen & Morgana (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 24
Kudos: 183





	1. freesia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> freesia - symbolizes innocence and thoughtfulness
> 
> the title is from this lovely poem https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/45480/when-lilacs-last-in-the-dooryard-bloomd

ages 6 & 7 

-

The first time Arthur sees Merlin, it’s like watching a baby learning how to crawl. Merlin’s mother is trying to pry the backpack double his size off of him, and Arthur watches Merlin fall flat on his back. He stares, then he starts laughing until his mother chastises him about being kind to others. When he stops laughing, his eyes meet Merlin’s and when Merlin smiles back at him, Arthur just knows that he hates the other boy. 

He sits next to Merlin on the first day of school and places his pencils right next to Merlin’s hand to block him from writing. It’s an attempt to bother the other boy, but it doesn’t really work because Merlin is dense and takes one of the pencils and smiles to express his thanks. Arthur kind of grumbles, but he doesn’t stop. 

Throughout the whole day, he messes with Merlin. During introductions, he coughs his loudest and tries to interrupt Merlin; he just asks Arthur if he’s okay and if the teacher could let him get some water. Break time comes around and Arthur looks in Merlin’s cubby to find cookies. He steals them, but then he feels bad because he knows his mother would be mad and give him a look that would probably say,  _ You’re better than this, Arthur. _ He puts them back, but not before Merlin can catch him in the act. Infuriatingly, instead of being mad, the frail boy smiles and hands Arthur two out of the five cookies. Two! That’s basically like handing someone gold (in the eyes of a small child). However, he’s grateful, as Arthur’s mother only packed some grapes and cheese. Arthur hands Merlin a cube of cheese to trade, it’s only fair, and Merlin starts to nibble on it. Arthur turns away and feels satisfied with himself; his mother would be proud. 

Once school is finished, Arthur’s mother picks him up and asks if he’s made any new friends. He thinks about it; his first answer is no. He thinks about it a little more and it turns into a maybe. Maybe Merlin can be a friend. They shared cookies after all. That has to mean something. 

-

After a month of school, Arthur grows accustomed to his seat next to Merlin. They regularly exchange glances when the teacher announces that they’ll be coloring the whole day or actually learning something. It’s nice, and they talk all the time. They talk to the point the teacher has to threaten them with separation; they argue, but it’s the same thing. 

They go to the playground, running side by side once the teacher says it’s time to go and run themselves into the ground. They’ll return sweaty from chasing each other, and then repeat the process once lunch comes around. Arthur steals Merlin’s cookies and Merlin steals his cheese cubes; it serves as a balance. 

They become known as the class duo by the end of the semester. No one can get them separate from the other. It’s Merlin with Arthur or Arthur with Merlin, they come as a package. 

When the teacher switches the tables around, it’s basically the end of the world. The thing about assigned seating is that Arthur hates it. He hates his new seat so much. It’s five seats away from Merlin, and that’s like being an ocean away from his best friend. He begs his teacher to let him sit next to Merlin, that he can’t sit next to...Lance. He pouts when his teacher replies with a simple no and says he’ll have to wait until the next seat change. 

Lance is nice. He’s really funny, but he’s nowhere as fun as Merlin. Arthur can’t pull Lance’s hair as a joke and he can’t stick his tongue out at Lance to be mean. He has to learn how to deal with it though. There isn’t going to be another seat change until December and it’s only the start of November. 

He kind of gets used to it. Merlin still sees him at break and lunch and they don’t stop swapping food and chasing each other around. For now, it’s okay. 

-

Arthur invites Merlin to his birthday party; he technically invites his whole class, but he only wants Merlin to be there. There are balloons and cake and a bouncy house. He decides that everything is irrelevant except for the bouncy house. His parents are nice, he thinks. 

Lance is the first to arrive. He comes with a large bag and a short hug. It catches Arthur off guard, but he drops it and leads Lance over to the bouncy house. The doorbell rings, and it rings again and again until almost everyone is at Arthur’s house except for Merlin. He’s still having fun, but it's becoming annoying to open the door and not find Merlin’s toothy smile on the other side. 

He forgets about it until it’s time to cut the cake and miraculously, Arthur hears the loud, Ding! He rushes over to the door and there he is Merlin with a small gift and the biggest hug a six-year-old can give. When they let go of each other, they run over to the cake and Arthur blows out the candles in one try. 

All of his classmates sit on the grass of his backyard and have small plates full of cake in their hands. Merlin takes it upon himself to smear the largest blob of frosting all over Arthur’s face. It’s a declaration of war from Arthur’s standpoint. He responds by smashing Merlin’s face into his slice of cake and laughing his head off. Merlin faces him and with a frown, he takes Arthur’s head and smashes it into his slice of cake. Chocolate cake is everywhere. Suddenly everyone is covered in frosting and the parents are panicking, “How are we going to get this out of all of your guys' hair!” 

Everyone leaves Arthur’s house covered in chocolate cake. His parents are spilling apologies out of their mouth one by one as everyone leaves, but it doesn’t matter, everyone’s giggling. Arthur waves goodbye to each of his classmates except for Merlin, he’s only one to stay. 

“Your mum said I could stay here until my mum comes back from work,” Merlin explains quickly.

“Okay. Wanna go play at the park while you wait?”

“Sure!”

Arthur’s mother interrupts their plans and forces them to wash the cake off their faces, from their hair and their hands. She even gives Merlin one of Arthur’s old shirts while she washes his dirty one. 

They go running to the park and don’t come back until it’s dark. Arthur’s mother has always warned him about the park at night, how it’s haunted by witches and evil spirits. They chase each other back to Arthur’s home where they find Merlin’s mother sitting on the couch drinking tea. She has gray streaks in her hair, but more in the front from when he first saw her. She looks tired but like the kindest woman, he’s ever seen. Merlin runs up to her and Arthur follows. 

“Merlin, dear, I think it’s time we leave. We don’t want to intrude on Arthur’s family time, now do we?” Merlin’s mother says. 

Her son nods in agreement while Arthur’s mother says something along the lines of, “Nonsense, you aren’t intruding on anything! It was lovely having you here, Hunith.”

Their mothers talk for a bit and then Hunith gets up and starts towards the door. With a heavy sigh, Merlin says, “Bye, see you at school,” and with a large smile, “Happy birthday again.”

Arthur rips into his gifts after Merlin leaves and when he opens them, everyone’s either given him toy cars, puzzles, or something related to science. He opens Merlin’s gift last: it’s a pack of colored pencils and at the bottom of the bag, there’s a small drawing. It’s of both of them, Arthur is wearing a crown with sun rays coming out of his head and Merlin is on a crudely drawn dragon. He asks his mother if he can hang it up immediately, she says yes and grabs the tape. 

The next time Merlin comes over, his portrait of them is on full display between Arthur’s bed and his window.

-

“What if you just sat next to me one day during class?”

“That’s breaking the rules, Arthur,” Merlin frowns. 

“Okay...and?”

“Aren’t you always saying to follow the rules?”

“Yeah, but...my seat is boring...and you get to sit near Gwaine! That’s not boring.”

“Lance is nice! You’re just mean.”

“Am not!”

“Are too!”

“Am not!”

“Fine! You’re not...but I can’t make the teacher mad. What if he says that we can’t sit next to each other ever again? Then what are you gonna do?”

Arthur pouts. “Fine...we’ll just have to wait.”

“I see you at break and lunch and your house. Also, school is ending soon. I can see you all the time.”

Summer comes around, and Merlin is right. 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi!! this is my second fic and i've been working on it for a long time! leave comments/kudos if you enjoyed it, they mean a lot <3 thank you for all your support. 
> 
> i have a playlist for this fic on spotify, so if you want to listen while reading, here's the link!
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3Fn1ziS4T3Zc82V0wMittX?si=TKKW58F3QC6Kf7TDz-idNQ


	2. gardenia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gardenia - symbolizes purity and sweetness; they indicate secret love; they convey joy.

age 10

-

Merlin wakes Arthur up at around three A.M. on a Friday. They’re laying next to each other in Merlin’s bed, and the covers are crumpled and pushed to the edge of the bed. There’s a faint green glow coming from the glow in the dark stars Merlin got when they were younger. The smaller boy pokes Arthur until he has to rise up from his starfish position and whisper-yell, “What?”

Merlin whispers, “I had,” he exhales, “a bad dream.”

Arthur sighs, “What was it about?”

Merlin sucks in a breath and tries to speak, but nothing seems to come out. 

“We can talk about something else,” Arthur suggests. 

“You’re not going to disappear, right?” 

Arthur chuckles. “No, idiot. Where would I even go?” Even in the dark, he can see Merlin’s shoulders relax a little. 

“Oh. Yeah.”

Merlin speaks up again, “What would you do if I disappeared?” 

“I would look for you. Obviously,” he rolls his eyes, “Merlin, you should know these things. Why wouldn’t I look for my best friend?”

“I guess you’re right.”

“Of course I am.” 

Without another word, they go back to sleep. Once Arthur’s head hits the pillow, he’s out like a light. He only wakes up when Merlin starts to poke him again. They’re a mess of limbs, with Merlin’s arm around Arthur’s chest and both of Arthur’s legs around the other boy’s thighs. It looks uncomfortable, but they don't move. Merlin’s mother comes into the room and disrupts the quiet atmosphere with her giggles. As quickly as she comes in, she leaves them with a stack of pancakes and fruit on Merlin’s desk. The food is the only thing to get them out of bed and brush their teeth. 

-


	3. yellow rose

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yellow rose - yellow roses evoke sunny feelings of joy, warmth and welcome; they are symbols of friendship and caring.

age 12 & 13

-

“You frustrate me more than anyone I’ve ever met, Arthur,” Merlin sighs. He’s examining Arthur’s scraped up knee and while he has a few bad cuts of his own, he focuses on Arthur’s knee. They were exploring a path that was right behind Arthur’s house, and he managed to trip over his feet, crash into Merlin’s back, and have both of them fall on top of a pile of sticks and stones. Arthur’s in pain, even if he didn’t break any bones. 

“You know you can cry if you want, that cut looks nasty. I’m the only person here anyway and I’ve already seen at least a dozen of your meltdowns.”

“Oh, fuck off! It hurts but not that much…” Arthur rolls his eyes, “Just help me up off the ground, please. Let's just go to your house, my mum is just gonna fuss over me and you know how she gets with even a small scratch.”

Merlin winces in acknowledgment and leads them out of the woods and into the streets of Arthur’s neighborhood. The entire time, Arthur holds onto Merlin’s shoulder and tries to make them not collapse onto each other again. It’s not that Merlin is weak...but he’s not the most athletic person that Arthur’s ever seen. 

“You can let me walk on my own now, it’s just a scratch and I’m pretty sure you’re about to have a heart attack,” Arthur suggests. 

“Shut up, I’m fine and you’ll just damage your leg even more if you put pressure on it,” Arthur is about to speak, but Merlin interrupts him again, “I know this because of Gaius, so you can’t say it’s fake.”

“You take every one of that man’s words to heart, how do you know what’s real or not?”

“Arthur,” Merlin turns to him. They’re so close that he can see the sweat on Merlin’s brow, “He’s a licensed physician, he works with my mum.”

Arthur raises his one free arm in defeat and mouths,  _ Okay, okay!  _ They walk to Merlin’s house which is only a few houses away from his and the second they step in, Hunith is all over them. She rushes to get them bandaged up and asks if Arthur would like to call home; it takes all of his willpower not to say no. 

He calls home; immediately, his mother is rushing to get details about what happened, where it happened, how it happened (just regular mother stuff). Arthur tries to get her to calm down as much as he can by telling her that Hunith took care of his wounds. He says that he’ll be resting at Merlin’s house until dinner time. She manages to not freak the fuck out (more than she already has) and ends the call. They don’t go up to Merlin’s room since both of their legs hurt like all hell, so they end up watching a movie in the living room. Hunith is gracious enough to bring fruit to their seats periodically; he’s so thankful for her. 

Arthur’s mother would scold him on how he’s imposing on Hunith and bothering Merlin, but if he’s being honest, staying at Merlin’s house is a lot better. They have good snacks, and his house always smells like a combination of vanilla and lavender. 

Arthur’s house smells and feels like smoke coming out of a yet to erupt volcano. 

The movie they’re watching is probably the most boring film to ever exist, so Arthur starts to fall asleep; he’s not sure if it’s the pain that makes him pass out or the pure exhaustion from having to walk to Merlin’s house. 

When he wakes up, Merlin is draped over him and their blanket is on the other side of the couch. Arthur sighs and tries to get up but he lets out a grunt of pain instead. Surprisingly, this wakes Merlin up and now both of them are in pain. While untangling themselves, Arthur notices that Merlin smells like fabric softener; it’s nice compared to smoke. 

-

Their whole friend group is at Gwaine’s house for the night. They’re bored out of their minds until Leon, the absolute genius suggests Truth or Dare. Elyan, Leon, Gwaine, Percival, Lance, and Merlin are all in a circle on Gwaine’s bedroom floor trying to contain their giggles so they don’t wake up the parents. 

“Merlin!” Elyan points directly at him, “Have you kissed anyone in our year yet?”

The group goes absolutely  _ batshit _ crazy while demanding to know who Merlin’s kissed.

“Well...there was this one girl…” Merlin starts with a stupid grin. Everyone starts laughing hysterically, but Arthur only manages a small smile. He can’t help but feel a little confused. Why would his best friend not tell him if he kissed someone? Aren’t best friends supposed to tell each other everything? Everyone in the movies always tells their best friends their secrets.  _ God, that’s sappy. Shut up.  _

While everyone is pushing Merlin’s shoulders to get him to admit who exactly he kissed, Arthur’s looking at the ground. It’s a few minutes of their friends trying to get an answer out of him before Merlin stops laughing and says, “It’s a joke, come on! You know I could never kiss any of the girls in our year.”

“Don’t say that about yourself, mate!” Percival pipes in. 

“Yeah, I’m sure there’s plenty of people who would just love to kiss your _stupid_ ass,” Arthur adds.

Gwaine bursts into a fit of laughter and manage to get out the words, “Looks like you could be one of them yourself, Arthur.”

Before Arthur can say anything about it, Merlin cuts him off. “If we were both about to die and he had the choice between kissing me and letting me drown, he would let me die. Let it be known,” Merlin sighs dramatically and falls to the ground, inciting hysterical laughter from their group. Arthur gets by with a giggle, but there’s just a weird feeling bubbling in his stomach. 

Maybe it’s the pizza they ate before. He might have a dairy problem, sadly. 

They try to calm themselves down before Gwaine’s mother comes into their room and gives them all a ticket to hell herself. The group moves onto another person; Leon dares Gwaine to do something stupid (per usual) and that’s how they end up tip-toeing down the stairs to watch Gwaine swallow a raw egg whole. 

They’re all trying to stifle their laughter, but no matter how hard Merlin tries, his giggles are as loud as they can possibly get. Everyone has to either slap him or yell,  _ Shh _ , so that Gwaine’s parents don’t send them all home immediately. 

The last straw though is when Gwaine manages to gulp the egg and makes an inhuman noise simultaneously. This is apparently the pinnacle of comedy for Merlin because he makes a sound similar to a hamster squeaking. Before Merlin can have them all crucified, Arthur punches Merlin’s arm and slaps a hand over his mouth for good measure. Merlin stares wide-eyed at Arthur, and while they go up the stairs, Arthur still has one hand over the other boy’s mouth. 

Arthur looks like he’s about to raise hell if Merlin so much as utters a sound. He moves closer than needed to emphasize the sentiment, and he notices how long Merlin’s eyelashes actually are. Arthur guesses that he gets it from his mother, and when he leans in (just a little bit more) to get a better look, it looks like there’s mascara on his lashes.  _ Huh.  _

The group finally settles down enough to go to bed, but Arthur is restless. He’s always had trouble sleeping away from home (excluding Merlin, his house is like a second home anyway) and tonight is no different. Luckily for him, Merlin can’t seem to sleep either. He can hear Merlin tossing and turning every few minutes, so he decides to just nudge him in hopes that eventually they’ll be too tired to talk. 

“Did you take off your mascara yet?” Arthur whispers, careful to not let anyone but Merlin hear. 

Merlin turns towards him, giving him a look that says  _ what the hell _ ? “Mascara? I’m not wearing makeup.”

Arthur rolls his eyes. “Don’t lie, just wash your face or else you’ll wake up looking like a raccoon.”

“I’m not wearing anything, Arthur,” Merlin chuckles, “Also how would you even know what mascara looks like on someone, _ you  _ don’t wear makeup.”

“Morgana wears it, idiot.”

“Well, I’m not!” Merlin whispers angrily.

“So I’m just supposed to believe that your eyelashes are  _ that fucking  _ long...like naturally?”

“Why are you so concerned about my eyelashes?” Merlin crosses 

“Well, I was looking at them while I was trying to get you to  _ shut the hell up _ before Gwaine’s parents woke up.” At this point, they’re loud enough for everyone else to hear, so Arthur tries to be quiet when kicking Merlin in the shin. He turns away and manages to doze off a bit in the span of thirty minutes or so.  _ Why are his eyes so important anyway?  _

-

Summer passes quickly. He swims, manages to form an actual bond with his sister, and chases his friends around the park. But just like that, school starts and Arthur cannot be in more pain. School is ass, first of all. Second, he has no classes with his friends this year, which is unfamiliar and dreadful, even if he knows people in his classes, and they know him. He figures he’ll be fine for the most part, but he hates that the only time he gets to see his friends is lunch.  _ The school system is cruel _ , he thinks. 

A new person joins their friend group within the first few weeks of school. Merlin introduces them (her) to the rest of the group. Her name is Guinevere, but everyone calls her Gwen. Arthur doesn’t know how he hasn’t met her yet. She’s Elyan’s sister for fuck's sake.

She’s pretty and has everyone at the table fawning over her within minutes. Merlin sits next to her, maybe to let her become more comfortable. Arthur’s first impression of her is that she’s too kind. 

It turns out that Gwen is also Morgana’s friend, and Arthur’s sister takes it upon herself to sit at their table from now on. It’s not necessarily awkward having Morgana at their table, but it would be nice to go one lunch without Gwaine or Leon ogling her. Other than the two new additions to their friend group, school is normal.

Except it’s not, and because he’s a dramatic piece of shit, Arthur decides that God hates him. As Merlin puts it, he manages to get asked out in the first month of school, which is an impressive record (compared to whom he doesn’t know). A girl in his math comes up to him after class and hands him a small note and before he can get in a word, she runs away. The note reads,  _ Hi, my name is Sophia! I’ve had a huge crush on you since like last year and if you want to get to know each other better, here’s my number: 431-398-6763. _

“Oh my God! That’s so sweet!” Gwen exclaims. She’s next to Merlin again so Arthur is across from them. Her smile is gorgeous. 

“Yeah,” Arthur says, looking down.

“Don’t tell me you’re gonna pass up the offer…” Gwaine says, “She’s like...one of the prettiest girls in our grade.” 

“I don’t know, it’s kind of weird. Also, I don’t know her that well,” Arthur replies as he turns to look at Merlin. 

“What do you think, Merlin?” Arthur asks.

Merlin looks up from his soggy food. “I think you should do whatever feels most comfortable.”

Arthur sighs sarcastically. “Glad to see everyone is on the same page!” 

“Don’t be like that! Just...how about you go with it? I mean, how often do you get asked out? Besides, she wants to get to know you,” Morgana suggests. 

Arthur rolls his eyes, but once he gets home, he ends up staring at the piece of paper for at least three hours trying to figure out what to do. He throws it in his desk drawer and hopes that she won’t confront him tomorrow about not texting her. He’s got homework and other things to worry about, girls are the last thing on his mind right about now. 

-

It’s about four months into the school year and winter is approaching. There are more homework and tests coming but Arthur chooses to ignore it all and play as many video games as he possibly can. His room becomes colder each day and as soon as fall comes, it’s gone. 

He can hear his parents yelling downstairs about hospital bills again, so he jumps out the window to run to Merlin’s house. Lately, they’ve been fighting more and more. Arthur is more annoyed than worried, he places his hands over his ears to block out the shouting. Their bickering gets on his nerves more than anything, and all the fighting usually starts because of his father. His father picks apart everything anyone does, and sometimes he wishes that Uther would just disappear. Morgana is never at home anymore, either doing some school-related thing or out at a friend’s house. He thinks it would be nice if she would be down the hall more often than not. The worst part of it all is that he can’t even talk to his mother anymore, she’s too weak to speak now. 

He runs down the block to Merlin’s place. They don’t phone each other anymore, they both know that they’ll both be at home. It’s a school day, anyway. Hunith opens the door with a kind smile and lets him inside the house. She offers him some cake as well, but he declines and runs up the stairs. He’ll come back down for it, and she knows that too. 

He opens the door to Merlin’s room and lets out a sigh. Merlin is on his bed and reading what looks like a thousand-page book. Like he can read Arthur’s mind, Merlin opens his arms as an invitation and Arthur dives into the bed. 

-


	4. alstroemeria

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alstroemeria - the flower symbolizes devotion and friendship.
> 
> tw// underage drinking, throwing up

age 15 

-

Merlin is sitting next to Arthur on his bed, and both of them are on the verge of tears. Arthur’s head is buried under at least fifteen packets of paper and applications. It’s a Saturday, but it feels like hell. They haven’t seen each other in at least two and a half weeks, and Arthur misses being able to see Merlin almost every day. But that was when they didn’t have final exams and projects every week, and now Merlin even has a job. It doesn’t change the fact that they’re both burnt out. Normally, studying and hunching over papers wouldn’t be as grueling, but today is bad. 

Arthur tries to calm himself down, enough so that they can sleep before midnight, but his eyes are getting watery and he’s  _ nowhere _ near done with his work. There’s too much and he won’t disturb Merlin who looks like he’s having his own crisis.  _ God,  _ he hates school. His breathing is becoming faster and more shallow, no matter how embarrassing it is, he can’t help it. He tries to shift his body and lie down, but the second he gets up, his legs give out and he falls onto his back. He lets out a groan of pain and that’s what gets Merlin’s attention. 

Merlin gives him a worried look, but all Arthur can do is close his eyes and try to slow his breathing to a normal fucking pace. Merlin,  _ bless his heart, _ moves over towards Arthur to hand him a glass of water and squeeze his hand. It’s not much, but it manages to help Arthur’s eyes dry up. Arthur gets up from the bed, but his head is in Merlin’s hands and his forehead is headed straight for the other boy's head. 

Merlin makes their heads crash with a hard, knocking sound and Arthur curses out of pain. The pressure makes him dizzy and the pain starts to localize in one, annoying spot. He doesn’t know what Merlin’s getting at, but he’s sure as hell doesn’t like it–it  _ hurts _ .

He’s about to curse Merlin out, but Arthur takes one look at Merlin and stops. The other boy reads Arthur like a fucking book, like always. He says slowly and softly, “You’re going to be fine. Let’s just go to bed now, okay?”

Arthur tries to let go, to argue, but Merlin keeps their heads glued together. He nods and lets out a soft  _ okay _ . They flop onto their backs and push all the papers off the bed; it’s cathartic watching all the papers fill up space on the floor. Fuck school, he’s exhausted. There’s still a weight on Arthur’s chest, even if it has reduced by a few ounces. He’ll take whatever he can get. Merlin grabs his hand and while laughing–they’re delirious from pain and fatigue–he utters “Long live the king and all that, right?” 

Arthur smacks Merlin’s arm and closes his eyes. They sleep through their alarms, and Arthur is still holding onto his pencil when he wakes up. 

-

Arthur doesn’t know what to do when a girl, who’s probably two or three years older than him, presses up against him and starts dancing in his space. The lights are flashing different colors and it’s making him dizzy. The whole room smells like cheap beer and sweat. His ears are numb from the music blaring through five different speakers. He’s starting to wonder why he ever agreed to come to this party. 

The girl, who he still doesn’t know, starts speaking in his ear but he can’t hear a damn thing. He tries to move away, but the room is so cramped that he can barely see the kitchen through the sea of people. He swerves through the massive crowd and when he ends up on the other side, it’s like breathing fresh air. Except the fresh air smells like wine coolers and beer. He searches for Gwaine but it’s near impossible, so he ends up walking to the kitchen. 

His eyes catch the numerous bottles laid out on the counter. There are beer and vodka and wine coolers too. Arthur thinks it’s surprising and scary how much alcohol these people actually have. 

_ Fuck it,  _ he grabs a cup and pours himself a glass of the finest alcohol they have. It’s a green looking liquid that he doesn’t recognize, but when he swallows it, the drink burns his throat and his eyes water a little. Before he can process anything, two girls come up to him, smiling and laughing, and grab him. They walk towards the “dance floor” which is all limbs and sweat. There are people surrounding him left and right, but there’s a good song playing so he lets his body move on its own accord. His arms are flailing about and Arthur gets a few laughs from people around him, but it feels nice to be carefree for once. He doesn’t know anyone, and they don’t know him, he can do whatever he wants.

He’s careful to not let the drink in his hand spill as he takes a sip and it  _ still  _ burns. He gets pushed from corner to corner until he ends up at the edge of the room where a game of spin the bottle is happening. The circle is large, maybe fifteen to twenty people, and there are about five other people surrounding it. Gwaine spots him and shouts over the music for him to join the game. No matter how many times Arthur waves his hands to say no, Gwaine insists; that’s how Arthur ends up in between two, very pretty girls. 

For the most part, the game is fine. There’s the occasional passionate makeout rather than a peck on the cheek but he’s not too nervous. Even though he isn’t shaking in his seat, it’s still odd to see everyone kiss each other so effortlessly. He hasn’t had his first kiss yet, but the whole point of this game is to just kiss someone and get it over with. It can’t be that bad. 

It’s about ten minutes into the game and it’s Gwaine’s turn. The bottle spins and spins until it hits someone across from Gwaine. A boy. The bottle lands on a boy. Arthur’s eyes go wide as everyone around him wolf whistles and cheers jokingly. Gwaine crawls over and Arthur doesn’t know if it’s because of the alcohol, or if it’s because Gwaine is  _ Gwaine _ , but they kiss. It’s not just a peck on the lips either, Gwaine makes a whole show of kissing this boy. Arthur lets out an ugly laugh and finally excuses himself to go to the kitchen again. He needs another drink. 

By the time he reaches the kitchen, his cup is completely empty and his throat hurts like hell. His stomach is turning a little too, so he decides on getting water. As he fills up his cup, a boy approaches him. When he turns around the boy moves past him towards the sink to refill his cup. 

They both drink their water in silence, and Arthur manages to sneak a few glances at him. Through the corner of his eye, Arthur can see that the boy has dark hair, and it’s in waves. When Arthur tries to get another look, he’s met with green eyes. They’re a beautiful shade of green though, they suck Arthur in and demand his attention. He hates it. 

The boy doesn’t break eye contact and begins a conversation, which Arthur hates even more. He can barely stand right now, the nerves from spin the bottle are still there. The boy doesn’t stop talking to him though. He finds out that the boy’s name is Mordred and that he’s unnecessarily touchy for a stranger. Arthur flinches at the initial contact, but then it happens again, and again and again. Once the conversation picks up he begins to expect it. 

Arthur keeps filling his glass just to stay in the kitchen with whatever is at the table. So far, he’s sure he drank beer, vodka and something else that tastes like pineapple. He’s well past the fuzzy, blurring stages of initial intoxication now. He’s struggling to stand up, and this time it’s definitely not because of nerves. He’s slurring his words and occasionally tripping even though he’s been leaning against the counter to help his balance the entire time. Arthur isn’t too fazed by his new inability to stand straight though. All he’s focused on is how Mordred’s eyes reflect the flashing lights and that his brain can’t form proper sentences to save his life. He can only manage a few hums of agreement and crooked, lazy smiles. 

Mordred looks up at him through his eyelashes, which are surprisingly long, and asks him a question. Arthur is starting to notice a pattern of boys with dark hair and long eyelashes. He makes a note to check it out later. Mordred leans in and asks the question again, but Arthur still can’t hear it. 

In a last, frustrating attempt, Mordred says “Give me your number. I’d love to take you out sometime if you’d like?” 

Mordred’s question sobers Arthur up. Quite a bit in fact. He’s more confused than weirded out, and a little more panicked than he should be. 

“Um, I don’t like boys. Sorry.” Before Mordred can say anything else, he bolts. “I have to go.” He feels like an asshole, but he doesn’t know what to do. He moves past sweaty bodies and towards the nearest bathroom. He opens several rooms, hoping that he doesn’t find anyone doing anything meant for his computer screen  _ only _ . Each one he opens turns out to be a bedroom,  _ Fucking hell how big is this house _ ? He opens one more, to find a couple kissing (he thinks), which is already too intimate for Arthur. He moves to close it quietly, but when he gets a closer look, it turns out to be Merlin. He lets out a small gasp and because the universe hates him, Merlin fucking turns around to look at him. Merlin’s eyes grow wide and Arthur just moves to close the door. Embarrassment takes over him, and Arthur books it towards the bathroom. He just needs to find a bathroom to hide in to stop himself from becoming more humiliated than he already is. 

He decides that he hates parties and that Merlin sucks because he’s got a girlfriend while Arthur is  _ alone _ . Merlin is probably going to start ditching him for his girlfriend and there’s not going to be any more study sessions or video game nights or sleepovers. Maybe it’s the alcohol, maybe it’s him being dramatic, but he can’t stop jumping to conclusions. He manages to push himself out of the bathroom to leave the party in under ten minutes. 

When he comes out, the air feels a little stickier but he feels better. He just wants to leave now, so he moves towards a door leading outside. As he has his foot out the door of the entrance, a girl with short, blonde hair blocks his path. The same girl who danced with him at the start of the party. 

“Hey,” she says over the music. She’s clearly been drunk for a long time. Her cheeks are pretty pink; Arthur isn’t sure if it’s her makeup or alcohol. She’s smiling so wide it starts to hurt Arthur’s cheeks too. 

“Hi,” he smiles at her. 

“Where are you going? The party’s just started!” The girl jumps around him and her drink spills out of its cup. The liquid is blue this time, and it lands all over Arthur’s pants and shoes. She doesn’t apologize, but instead, she tries to drag Arthur back into the house. 

“I’m trying to go home, I have things to do,” Arthur smiles, hoping that she’ll let him go. His excuse isn’t false though; he has stuff to do, it’s just that...it’s not urgent. 

“Dance with me!” She pouts, “Please?” The girl drags him by the arm and Arthur lets out an exasperated sigh. He’s tired, his eyelids are heavy with intoxication and he’s not sure how he hasn’t thrown up yet. His body moves to the music and he flings his arms around in a lazy attempt to please the blonde girl. He wants to leave so bad, and he’s about to squeeze past the crowd when the girl grabs Arthur, swoops down and plants a firm kiss on his lips. She smiles a bright smile and squeezes through the crowd without another word. The girl tasted like chocolate and cheap beer and when Arthur licks his lips he almost gags. Yeah, he definitely won’t be counting this as his first kiss. 

He gets out of the house, stumbling and drunk as hell. The whole night is one embarrassing moment after another and he’s absolutely going to kill Gwaine after this. There is literally no way that Gwaine is going to be alive when Arthur sees him on Monday. As soon as his mind reaches the idea of school, his stomach finally catches up with the amount of alcohol he consumed. Right before he can leave the area, he doubles down and vomits all over the pavement. People around him groan in sympathy, but most are grossed out. 

Then, like a  _ knight _ , Merlin comes to his rescue and helps him up. 

“You are so fucking dead,” Merlin laughs while helping Arthur to his feet. 

“Glad to see that you care,” Arthur slurs.

Merlin is still laughing as he puts his hand to Arthur’s forehead. “Are you okay? We can’t bring you back to your house like you’re actually dead if your dad finds you like this.”  _ Shit.  _

“Oh, yeah.” 

“ _ Oh, yeah _ , is fucking right. Let’s walk to my place, please. You have clothes there, just stay the night, I’ll call your mum.” 

“Okay.” 

They stumble all the way to Merlin’s house. The scent of lavender hits him like a ton of bricks, it’s refreshing compared to the suffocating smell of beer. Merlin carefully opens the front door, and they manage to get up the stairs without falling down. Arthur thinks that it’s a fucking miracle that he hasn’t fallen flat on his face yet, or thrown up again. Merlin closes the door slowly and moves to get Arthur’s clothes out of the dresser. 

Arthur needs to be helped out of his clothes because the entire time he’s basically cross-eyed. 

They finally manage to get everything into order without waking anyone up and fall onto the bed. Arthur is on the verge of passing out, but he tries to say one more thing before falling asleep. After all, he always needs to have the last word. 

“Hey, Merlin.” Arthur pokes him in the shoulder. 

Merlin grunts. “What? Go to bed, I need to wake you up early so you can take a shower before mum notices.”

“Oh, thanks,” he pauses, his eyelids are starting to close on their own. “Anyway, I hope you don’t leave me behind for your girlfriend. You know if you ditch me, who are you going to play footie with? Gwaine has no coordination skills. I mean really, I’m your best bet,” Arthur rambles on. 

“You’re awfully articulate for a man who drank at least ten cups of beer tonight,” Merlin turns to look at the ceiling, “And she’s not my girlfriend. Gwen was just a little sad, so I gave her a hug. I don’t think I’ll get a girlfriend in high school,  _ so  _ there is literally no reason for you to get worried about me leaving you to fend for yourself at football.”

Before Arthur can say anything else, Merlin slaps his chest and says, “Go to bed, please. You’re a nightmare.” 

-

“You can do it! Come on!” Gwen yells into the already cheering crowd. 

Arthur follows her example and cheers with her. As surprising as it is, Merlin is a fast runner. Arthur would’ve never guessed Merlin for the athletic type until he was told that Merlin had tried out for the track team.  _ The track team!  _

Merlin is oddly fast, and he ends up looking like a blur of flesh while catching up with the other boys on the field. There’s something satisfying about watching the other runners see a scrawny, six-foot boy win the race. Arthur swears it’s magic. 

Arthur runs towards Merlin after the race is over and goes in for a giant hug. This is the first time he’s seen Merlin in a race and it was almost hypnotic. Merlin is still breathing hard as Arthur wraps his arms around him and it results in Arthur getting a very warm rush of air straight to his face. He pulls away in discomfort but is still smiling from ear to ear. 

“Your heart’s beating so fast. Are you already tired?” Arthur jokes. 

“I’d like to see you try to run that full course without passing out,” Merlin says as he looks around for something, “I need water.” 

Arthur pulls one out of his bag and hands it to Merlin. After drinking a significant amount of water, and finally slowing down this breathing, Merlin begins to walk out of the field towards his mother. Before saying goodbye though, Merlin grabs Arthur’s hand and brings it up to his chest. Arthur’s eyes go wide in confusion.

Merlin has a small smile on his face. “Is my heart still beating fast?”

“No.” Arthur swallows, “But I can make it go faster. Race you to the front?”

Merlin’s smile grows and without a warning, he starts sprinting. Arthur yells in defeat but still chases after Merlin. The wind flows through his hair and cuts rips into his new clothes. 

-


	5. daffodil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> daffodil - uncertainty and new beginnings

age 16 

-

“We all have dates to the dance, right?” Gwaine asks and painfully reminds Arthur of his relationship status. 

“ _ No _ , not all of us do, Gwaine. Not all of us asked out every girl in the whole grade,” Merlin manages to say before Gwaine shoves him off his seat. Their group roars up in laughter, but it dies down when they realize that Merlin is right, none of them have dates and the dance is next week. Hell, Arthur doesn’t even have a suit to wear. 

Merlin perks up beside him. “Why don’t you ask Sophia out?”

“Who?” Arthur asks.

“Sophia? Didn’t she ask you out a couple of years back? I’m sure she’d be  _ delighted _ if her crush asked her out.” 

“Oh...well that was three years ago, I doubt she remembers me now.”

“Try it! I’m probably gonna ask Freya. I don’t know if she’ll say yes though, she’s trying to ask someone else out,” Merlin pauses to think, "How about we both ask them out. Worse comes to worst, we go together! No harm in going with friends right?”

“Yeah,” a smile begins to grow on Arthur’s face, “Wait...did you just ask me out to the dance Merlin? Who knew you could be  _ so forward _ . Guys, Merlin just asked me out!” 

Merlin pushes Arthur off his seat and steals all his chips in retaliation. 

Arthur stays on the ground out of stubbornness and contemplates whether Sophia would even let him talk to her. The last time they actually interacted, Sophia looked like she would let the ground swallow her. Arthur hadn’t called or texted, not to even let her know that he wasn’t interested. If he was being fair though, he had thrown the piece of paper in a drawer and forgotten about it till now. 

Their grade is small, not many people are at the school either. It makes things incredibly convenient at times, for example, Arthur is right in front of Sophia’s locker because of it. He hopes that she’ll be there soon, because if not the whole ordeal is going to be more than a little embarrassing. He doesn’t even know why he’s bothering to ask her out. He can just go alone, or better yet with Merlin (assuming Freya says no). 

“Arthur?” A voice appears behind him. Arthur turns around to find Sophia. The first thing that he notices is how much she hasn’t changed. She’s still ridiculously beautiful, and her hair is still long and brown. Her smile is still shy and small. He likes her smile a lot. Arthur manages to smile back without staring for too long. 

“Uh...hi. Can we talk for a minute? I know you have class soon.”

“Sure, what did you need to say?” She looks down when she speaks. She hadn’t been able to look him in the eyes when she talked to him years ago either. 

He leans down a little and says, “This is probably weird, and I know it’s been a long time since we’ve talked, but...do you wanna go to the dance together? I didn’t have a date, and you’re really the only person I could think of. If you don’t want to it’s perfectly fine-”

‘No! I’d love to!” She looks up at him, and he can see that her eyes are unusually bright. 

“Oh, ok. That’s perfect. I’ll give you my number, can we text each other about the details later?” 

“Sure,” they stare at each other for some time before Sophia speaks again, “Um...I have to get to class now, but I’ll talk to you later. Bye.”

“Yeah-” he manages to get out before she’s out of his sight. 

Gwaine wraps an arm around Arthur’s shoulders while they walk to class and asks if he’s got a date (since apparently in the span of thirty minutes, suddenly  _ everyone _ has a date). When Arthur tells him that he’s going with Sophia, Gwaine chokes on his food and spits it  _ back  _ into his plate. It takes all his strength not to kick Gwaine in the stomach for it, but luckily Arthur doesn’t. Merlin seems relatively happy that Freya agreed, but he mentions that both of them are just going as friends.  _ What’s the point of having a date then? Why doesn’t he just go alone, or with me? We could avoid all of this date stuff.  _ Arthur doesn’t mention it, and suddenly it’s Friday of next week. 

The school is decorated with streamers and there are buckets of confetti and balloons in corners of the hallways. Arthur’s suit is a little loose on the waist, but it’s a school dance, and he's not really trying to impress anyone. When he gets home, he takes a nap but not before Sophia texts her address and when to pick her up from her house. Arthur is beginning to think of this dating thing as a chore. He’d rather just go and dance with their whole friend group, but he’s in a mess he can’t back out of now. 

He arrives at Sophia’s door at six P.M. exactly. Sophia steps out in a short, light blue dress with her hair pinned up with star hair clips and if he’s being honest, she looks gorgeous. He takes a breath in when he looks at her and they both stand in the doorway of her house like idiots for a good three minutes. 

They arrive in the line for the dance at around six-thirty and by the time they get there, almost everyone else has shown up. Merlin and Freya are the only ones left to join. 

In the time that it takes Merlin to arrive, they’ve already moved up several spaces in the line. Arthur can hear the music pounding from the gymnasium. Merlin is dressed in a formal blue shirt and slacks, with an oddly patterned tie. His hair has grown out, so it’s been puffed up a little as if he had put gel in it. The only thing that’s odd is that Merlin is alone. 

“Where’s Freya?” Arthur asks as he looks around for an answer. 

Merlin smiles in response. “Oh, her friend said yes to her, so I’m alone.” 

“Oh, sorry.”

“It’s okay, besides, I can dance by myself anyway. I have some really nice dance moves. There’s a  _ reason _ I always beat you in Just Dance.”

“Um, it’s because you move your arm at the right time, there is literally no other reason. The amount of effort you put into that game is horrendously  _ low _ ,” Arthur scoffs. 

“And? Work smarter, not harder, Pendragon,” he pokes Arthur’s chest, “Come on, the line is moving.”

Sophia immediately makes a beeline for the drinks once they enter, so Arthur and his friends move towards the dancefloor. The room is hot and the air is sticky already, which is annoying, but he’ll have to deal. Arthur unbuttons two of the buttons on his t-shirt and by the time Sophia meets up with him, he’s flushed from the heat. They’ve formed a large sort-of circle and everyone is doing whatever they want to the horrible, horrible music. Arthur doesn’t know what to do with his arms, so he just moves his feet around in an awkward shuffle. This is how he dances until Sophia pulls him closer and drags his hands out so he’s forced to do something other than just moving his arms. He meets her eyes, and under the flashing lights, they’re a lot less blue. 

“You’re a terrible dancer, you know!” She yells over the music 

Arthur laughs and it mixes into whatever song is playing. “I know! I try to win at Just Dance with Merlin, but I guess it shows how bad I am in real life, right?” 

They smile at each other and continue to flail around. By this point, Arthur’s tie is tossed into Morgana’s bag, which is God knows where at this point. His shirt is now down to three buttons, but he has to admit that the dance is fun. Everyone is laughing and there’s a mosh pit somewhere at the front of the gym. 

Out of the corner of his eye, he can see their table, and Merlin is the only one sitting there. He’s drinking something out of a red solo cup, and this drags Arthur’s attention from Sophia to his best friend immediately. He excuses himself quickly and walks up to the table with a gigantic smile.

He sits down. “What’s wrong?” 

“Huh? Oh, nothing.”

Arthur makes a face that says,  _ bullshit _ . “Well then what are you doing all by yourself at our lonesome little table, you dollophead?” Without letting him respond, Arthur drags Merlin up to his feet and says, “Come on, let’s dance! We’re here to have fun, remember?”

“Who are you, and what have you done with my best friend? The Arthur I know wouldn’t be caught dead dancing in public,” Merlin laughs. 

“It’s not public, well technically. Plus there’s a huge crowd and everyone looks stupid anyway. Let’s just have some fun, yeah?” 

Merlin rolls his eyes and puts his phone in his pocket. “Okay.” 

Despite having to be dragged upon his feet, Merlin is the one who leads them to the center of the dance floor, and contrary to belief, Arthur isn’t the worst dancer in the world, it’s Merlin. His arms move everywhere, Arthur has to keep track just in case Merlin doesn’t hit anyone in the vicinity. His hair flops endlessly and there’s a high chance that Arthur’s feet will get trampled by the end of the night. Arthur and he jump up and down for the next five or so songs before he remembers Sophia is probably waiting for him. He feels like an asshole, but he doesn’t want to leave.

His conscience weighs down on his shoulders, and he ends up searching for her. 

Arthur finds Sophia sitting on the bleachers. She’s talking to some boy with black, curly hair and a rumpled suit. She’s smiling. 

Arthur rushes up to her and immediately starts apologizing. The words “sorry” and “I didn’t notice” tumble from his mouth, but he feels anything but apologetic; he feels stupid. Sophia smiles at him, it’s not the same smile as before, but she pulls him down to sit next to her. She wraps her arm around his waist and pulls him closer. Arthur’s face is already warm, but it manages to become even hotter. He stutters on a couple of words before she interrupts him, “Arthur, meet Mordred. He was just talking about leaving the dance. I thought it was a good idea, so if you want to join, you can.”

_ Mordred. _ “Oh, I think I’ve met you before,” Arthur exclaims. 

“Yes, we have! Nice seeing you again,” he winks, “If you want to join Sophia and me, I wouldn’t mind at all.”

_ He wouldn’t mind? I’m her fucking date.  _ “Let me just go say goodbye to a few friends first, I’ll be out with you soon?” 

They nod at him and Arthur runs across the wood floors to find Merlin. When Arthur finds him, Merlin is laughing with their group of friends. The light makes Merlin’s hair pink; there’s a faint glow of something he can’t describe coming from Merlin, he looks nice in this light. 

Arthur walks up to Merlin and goes to say goodbye, but he’s stopped by Merlin grabbing his arm and pulling him down in a seat. 

“Where are  _ you  _ going, loverboy?” Merlin pushes a finger into Arthur’s chest, “Off with the princess?” 

“Shove off. She asked me if I would come with her and Mordred somewhere, we’re leaving the dance.”

“Oh, okay,” he places a hand on Arthur’s shoulder, “Have fun. Be careful.”

“Okay,  _ mum _ ,” Arthur chuckles as he walks away. 

They exit the gym and leave in Mordred’s car to drive down to the local pool.

Mordred jumps the fence and opens the gate for him and Sophia from the inside. Arthur is nervous that they’ll get caught, but it seems like no one is in the area; he thinks that they’ll be fine for now. Once they get inside, Mordred immediately starts to undress. His tie and jacket, then his shirt and finally his pants. He does it so fast that both he and Sophia can’t even utter a word before he jumps into the pool. His hair comes out stringy and a jet black, even in the pale lights coming from the bottom of the pool. 

Sophia refuses to get into the pool, no amount of begging from Mordred can convince her. She ends up dangling her feet from the edge of the pool into the surface of the water. Arthur puts his phone on the concrete and makes a stupid decision. He undresses as well and jumps into the pool. The water is freezing, and his first ten minutes are spent shaking violently in the water. He places some trust into Mordred’s hands, but it’s broken the second Mordred splashes freezing cold water into Arthur’s face. Arthur splashes more water back and it reaches Sophia too. She yelps and uses her feet to kick water around her. Soon, they’re in an all-out water bottle, trying not to yell too loud, afraid they might get caught. 

In their little water fight, Mordred manages to drag Sophia into the water. She screams that her dress is ruined the second she hits the pool. She looks like she’s about to cry until Arthur comments that they’re all in the water and that she might as well enjoy it. Arthur splashes more water onto Mordred’s face to avenge Sophia’s ruined dress, but they stay swimming in the water. 

At some point during the night, Mordred goes under the water to show them how long he can hold his breath. He goes under, and Sophia pulls Arthur closer and says, “Look at how long I can hold  _ my  _ breath.” She kisses him, roughly and messily. For a first kiss, Arthur would rate it at least a seven out of ten. Her breath is warm and her lips are soft. Compared to what he’s seen on television, this kiss is a lot more...feverish, and less loving. He leans into it and he kisses back or at least tries to. They pull apart and Arthur inhales the largest breath of air he’s ever taken. He smiles and pecks her cheek. 

They get out of the pool shortly after with no towels, so everyone is still dripping wet. Arthur feels bad for ruining Mordred’s car seats, but the equally soaked boy just brushes it off. 

When they get into the car, the heat is turned up to the highest setting. The windows are cracked open a little bit to let in some air as well. The small gust of wind travels in through the crack of the window and licks Arthur’s forehead. He feels calm. 

They reach Sophia’s house, and Arthur gets out with her. He says goodbye, and when she leans in for another kiss, he kisses her on the cheek. The kiss from the pool is still on his mind. Arthur stays on her doorstep until she gets inside the house and says goodbye again. 

When Mordred reaches Arthur’s house, it’s well past eleven. He’s sure he’ll get in trouble for coming home half-dressed and soaking wet. Right before he gets out of the car, Mordred calls Arthur’s name. 

“Here,” he hands Arthur’s jacket to him and pauses, “Thanks for a good time tonight.”

Arthur smiles. “Yeah, it was nice.”

They stare at each other for what seems like a long, long time. Arthur’s eyes travel from Mordred’s ridiculously light eyes to his lips. Arthur will admit that Mordred has a nice face, though. There’s something alluring about him, like a spell. 

He clears his throat. “Um, I have to get going. Thank you, though. See you around school?”

“Yea-”

He’s out of the car and on his front steps before Mordred can say another word. 

Arthur opens the front door as slowly and quietly as he can and manages to not get caught. He rushes up the steps to his bedroom and grabs a towel for his damp hair and a pair of pajamas to climb into. His bed has never looked so comfortable, he jumps into it and rushes under the covers. Even though he still smells like chlorine, he’ll be warm for the next eight hours. 

Arthur doesn’t manage to fall asleep for the next hour or so; he tosses and turns, trying to get into a comfortable position, but nothing works. Mordred pops up into his mind every now and then, which startles him and makes him start the cycle of trying to sleep all over again. 

All he can see in his sleep is a crooked smile. He doesn’t know who it belongs to. 

-


	6. lily

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lily - lilies symbolize that the soul of the departed has received restored innocence after death, they represent youth

age 17 

-

The whole house is almost pitch black, and Arthur has a hard time locating his phone. The second he finds it though, he calls Merlin. “Can you come over? I think the power went out and I can’t do my homework. I’m bored as shit,” Arthur asks. 

“No way! My power is out too!”

“No shit, Merlin. We’re having a blackout. Just come over?”

“Fine, but you know, I was gonna bring you the cookies my mum made. Maybe not anymore…” Merlin trails off. 

“Wait-”

“Bye!”

Merlin ends the call and leaves Arthur to stare at his phone for the next fifteen minutes. Arthur thinks that it’s incredibly  _ convenient _ that the whole town lost their power right when he started his homework. He still has a science report to finish and a book to read. He prays for wifi to come back sooner. 

The doorbell rings before he’s about to call Merlin again and the black-haired boy walks in holding his phone like a flashlight. Arthur can’t see well in the dark, but he’s sure that Merlin is smiling. 

“Did you really not bring the cookies?” Arthur sulks. 

“Yeah, I couldn’t carry them, my hands are kind of full. But, I have an idea, since you can’t really do any homework and  _ I finished mine _ -”

Arthur scoffs. “Way to be smug, asshole.”

“ _ Let me finish, _ ” Merlin complains, “Let's go watch the stars!”

“What? It’s almost nine, we need to go to bed soon, I want to sleep early today.”

“You weren’t gonna sleep early anyway. Just this once? I have a flashlight and the stars are gonna be more visible today.”

“Fine, let’s just stay in the front yard; I’ll bring blankets.”

They step out of the house and as soon as the wind hits Arthur, he starts to shiver. He didn’t realize that it would be this cold, but now all he wants to do is drag Merlin back into his room. 

They set the blankets down and move close to each other. Arthur wraps his arms and legs over Merlin, and the other boy does the same. Arthur gets a wave of nostalgia, like when they were ten and would wake up to their mothers laughing at how they were sleeping. Merlin huddles closer to Arthur and lets out a sigh. Arthur can already imagine what he’s about to say,  _ See, this is nice! _

“I’m scared,” Merlin lets out. 

“What of?”

“I don’t know...life? That sounds so cheesy but you know what I mean right? We have so much to do in such a short amount of time. I mean next year is our last year of school, I don’t know if I’m gonna see you as often, and that scares me.”

“You’re such a loser, there’s nothing to be scared of. You’re gonna be fine, I’m gonna be fine. Just watch the stars like you wanted to,” Arthur says with a shaky voice, “Look, I think that’s Ursa Major, or whatever the name is.”

Merlin turns to face Arthur and his warm breath fans Arthur’s face. “Do you think we’re gonna be friends after college, or even after high school?”

Arthur sighs in frustration. “Why is this even a question? You’re not getting rid of me that easily, Merlin. I’m staying stuck to you for the _ rest  _ of your life,” he pauses, “...Where is this even coming from?”

“I don’t know, I just missed you,” he laughs, but Arthur doesn’t hear any humor in it. He holds Merlin tighter. Even if he won’t tell Arthur about what’s going on, the least he can do is hold Merlin. 

-

Being seventeen is probably one of the worst things Arthur has ever experienced. He’s swamped with homework, and college applications; his mother is in the hospital again and Merlin isn’t even available to talk. He wants everything to stop, and for time to let him  _ breathe  _ for once. 

He visits the hospital, and he tries to enter his mother’s room, but today he just can’t. He knows something is wrong, with the way her skin looks and how her clothes stick to her skin.

He leans against the wall outside the room and tries to breathe. The clean bleach smell of the hospital fills his nose and it feels like his lungs are filled with smoke. 

“Hey,” a familiar voice greets him.

He looks up to see Morgana holding a cup of coffee in one hand and a muffin in another.

“Hi.”

“Did you say hi yet?” 

“No…” he inhales, “I can't go in there. Morgana, I don’t know why I can’t, but…”

“It’s okay. I can go in there with you if you want.” 

“Okay, but can we stay out here for a little bit?” 

“Yeah.” 

Morgana sets her coffee down and puts an arm over Arthur’s shoulders in an effort to comfort him. It’s hard not to tear up when he leans his head against her shoulder. 

“I’m scared,” Arthur sighs.

“Me too.” Arthur notices that Morgana’s voice is shaky, so he grabs her hand and squeezes it as tight as he can without hurting her. He doesn’t know what’s going to happen, but he’s glad Morgana is on his side. 

-

Morgana runs into Arthur’s room at the ungodly hour of three A.M. and drags him out of bed. He struggles to even open his eyes before his sister finally tells him what’s going on.

His mother is on her bed and his father is standing with his back to her. Arthur and Morgana immediately rush to her side. She looks so fragile. Arthur grabs Morgana’s hand because he’s afraid that if he holds his mother’s hand, she’ll fall apart. There’s a lump in his throat the size of a golf ball, and the only thing helping him keep it together is the hope that his mother will be alright. His mother’s eyes are closed as usual; she doesn’t have enough energy to stay awake. He lays his head down onto the bed and closes his eyes as well.

When he wakes up, he’s still holding his sister’s hand, but Morgana is crying. He goes to comfort her and notices his father’s expression as well.

“What’s going on?” He asks. 

Uther sighs and holds his head in his hands. “They’re saying she’s too weak to receive treatment now...she’s been too weak for a while. They’ve tried almost everything, they don’t know what else they can do now. I’m sorry, Arthur.”

“What do you mean?” Arthur swallows, the lump in his throat is back again, “I thought she was getting a little better, I mean...they have to be able to do  _ something _ right? We can’t just let her...we can’t just leave her like this.”

“Arthur…” Morgana whispers.

“No! I can’t just leave her like this-”

“No one is leaving anyone, okay?” Uther assures him, “We’re staying right beside her until she’s ready to go.” 

Arthur scoffs and tears himself away from his sister. He can hear Morgana calling his name and when she catches up to him, he tries to push her away. 

“You’re not the only one losing a mother, okay!” She shouts. Arthur is glad the hallway is empty. 

_Losing a mother._ The words echo in his mind as he crumbles to the ground and buries his head in his hands. The good thing is that the lump in his throat is gone, the bad thing is that now he’s crying. His chest heaves with sobs as Morgana comes running to help him. He tries to speak but he’s incomprehensible, even to himself. 

“It’s not-it’s not fair,” he coughs, “I didn’t-” he can’t even make it through a sentence without choking up. 

“Shh,” Morgana tries to calm him down, but he can hear sobs spilling out of her. 

“I didn’t get enough time with her and it’s not fair that she’s just  _ leaving _ . She didn’t get to take pictures of me before the big dance, I didn’t even get to help her bake in the kitchen like you did, you know, I barely have any pictures with her,” he says before more tears run down his cheeks. “I just want more  _ time _ and I can’t-I can’t even get that. It’s so unfair.”

Morgana’s own face is wet with tears. She’s holding onto Arthur’s hand so hard he’s afraid that he might have to get a hospital room of his own. They both sob into each other’s arms until neither of them has tears left to cry. 

When it’s time to go, Arthur presses a small kiss to his mother’s forehead and hopes that she feels no pain. 

No one says anything during the car ride back. Arthur stares out the car’s window and tries to think of anything besides what happened. 

-

Arthur can’t seem to focus, he’s been reading the same paragraph for the past ten minutes. He’s not really sure what his English assignment is about either. He hops out of his chair and opens the window. As he climbs out of his window and onto the tiles of the roof, the wind blows gently on his face. When he finally steadies himself, Arthur lets out the largest sigh possible. 

He’s not sure if it’s the wind or something else, but his eyes start to tear up. He brings his knees up to his chest and his arms wrap around his sides. He looks like a little clay ball on the roof. Arthur puts his head down and when he comes back up for air his cheeks are wet. 

Arthur can imagine how stupid he looks, he’s crying on the roof like he’s in an American coming of age movie. It’s cathartic, so he continues to cry, and that leads to heavy sobs being pulled from inside his chest. He spreads out like a starfish on the red tiles and continues to cry. Arthur doesn’t think he’ll stop for a long time. 

He really wishes his mother was here. 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i almost cried writing this chapter LOL


	7. bird of paradise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bird of paradise - symbolizes joyfulness, it also symbolizes magnificence; used to indicate exciting and wonderful anticipation.

age 18 

-

College is here. He’s going to college! He should be happier, this is what he’s worked for; all the endless tears and the hair that’s gone gray due to stress, it’s for  _ this _ . Yet all he can feel when he’s about to leave his house is a longing to stay. He knows that everyone is reluctant to leave once college actually arrives, but he doesn’t think of it as a feeling this strong.

He decides he’ll visit Merlin one last time before he leaves. He had a big party the day before, there were cake and balloons and everything, and all his friends were there too, but he just has to see Merlin before he leaves. 

He walks up to Merlin’s house and when the door opens, the smell of lavender is enough to get him to miss Merlin for a lifetime. 

“Oh! Arthur, what a pleasant surprise,” Hunith says before she steps aside to let Arthur in. “What do we owe this surprise visit for?”

Arthur’s cheeks heat up. “Oh, I just wanted to see Merlin one last time, before I go.”

“Of course! I have some sweets with me too, after you come back down I’ll give them to you, okay?”

“Thank you,” Arthur smiles. 

He heads up the stairs and this time his footsteps feel heavy. Arthur opens the door to find Merlin taking a nap on his bed. He jumps into bed with Merlin and promptly wakes up the other boy. 

Merlin groans under Arthur’s weight and scowls. “Arthur,” he says it like he’s calling a storm, Arthur likes it. “What are you doing here?” 

“Is that how you greet a friend who’s leaving, who you won’t see for the next four years? I really thought you were my best friend…” Arthur swipes a fake tear from his eye as he moves off of Merlin. 

“Okay, drama queen. Why are you here?”

“I wanted to see you again,” Arthur says while rolling his eyes. 

“...Am I hearing this right? Arthur Pendragon is actually emotional over me? When I find a rainbow there  _ has  _ to be a pot of gold at the end of it.”

Arthur shoves him away. “You’re insufferable. I came to say goodbye because I’m going to miss my best friend and you do this.”

“Okay, okay!” Merlin raises his hands up in defeat. “Come here.”

Merlin drags Arthur down toward the pillows and wraps both his arms and legs over him. They erupt into a fit of giggles while they try to pin each other down in a tickle fight. Eventually, they both end up exhausted and spread out on Merlin’s bed. Merlin turns to face Arthur’s face and pokes him in the cheek. 

“How far away are you going to be again?” Merlin asks. 

Arthur sighs, “Six hours.”

Merlin wolf whistles in response and just clings onto Arthur. Merlin was accepted into a college near the town they live in, so it’s like he’s not even leaving. The distance grows larger the more Arthur thinks about it. He has to leave soon, in maybe an hour, but he doesn’t want to leave the warmth of Merlin’s bed.

“I know I’m not gonna say it later, so I’ll say it now,” Arthur whispers. He doesn’t know why he’s whispering. “I’m really going to miss you, and I’m only going to say this once, but I don’t know how I’m going to deal with your stupid ass not being with me all the fucking time.”

“Oh, see! You had to ruin the moment with that sailor mouth of yours!” Merlin exclaims.

“You ruined the moment! And I don’t know what you’re talking about,  _ you _ curse more than me. I can’t even count on my fingers the number of times you say fuck on a daily basis.”

“Well…that’s just-”

Arthur mimics Merlin in a high pitched voice, “ _ Well...that’s just! _ ”

“Fuck off!”

“See! Right there!” Arthur laughs and Merlin’s chuckle follows. 

When the laughter settles down, Arthur closes his eyes and tries to calm himself down. He has to leave soon, but he’s not ready to. He opens his eyes to find Merlin smiling at him. Arthur is about to speak but decides to just smile back. He forces himself to swallow a laugh before he ruins _ the moment _ .

Merlin’s eyes are always the first thing Arthur notices. There’s something very odd about Merlin’s eyes; they’re a stunning shade of blue (Arthur will admit that) but they sometimes have a gold shine to them. Arthur tries to search for it but ends up unsuccessful. Something else that’s frustrated Arthur from the beginning of time is how  _ fucking long  _ Merlin’s eyelashes are. Just when he’s about to comment on it, the other boy moves a little closer, so now their faces are about two inches apart. 

They’ve been close before, but this is kind of a record, and he still doesn’t know what Merlin’s trying to do. He doesn’t know if they’re having a staring contest or if Merlin is delirious. Every few seconds Arthur will have to swallow to stop himself from laughing. He can’t stop smiling. 

Merlin moves a little closer again and Arthur looks Merlin up and down like he’s insane. They’re so close that if Arthur moves even an inch, they would be kissing. Arthur’s cheeks heat up at the thought, and then he’s stupid enough to move his eyes to stare at Merlin’s lips. Arthur swallows, but this time there’s no laugh bubbling over. 

Then there’s a knock on the door. 

“Arthur, sweetheart! I think your father is on the phone!” Hunith’s voice booms through the door. 

Arthur gasps before jumping up.  _ Fuck.  _

“I’ll be right out!” Arthur gets off the bed and rushes out of the room to catch his father’s call. 

He’s off the phone in record time and grabs everything he needs, including the sweets from Hunith. 

Merlin sees him off at the door, like usual. “You promise that we’ll see each other right? You have to call me.”

“Obviously,” Arthur says before he turns to walk away.

While he walks towards his car with a smile, Arthur thinks,  _ College can’t be that bad. _

-

“You know, I think we should get tattoos or something. Like those matching ones I see on Instagram all the time,” Merlin suggests over the phone. 

“You’re insane,” Arthur scoffs, ”...What of though?”

“I don’t know, I was looking at the tattoos on this person’s page but I don’t think you’ll like anything they have.”

Arthur hums in response.

It’s been over a month since he’s been at school. His classes are going relatively well, and the best part of it all is that Gwen is with him. He’s so thankful for her that he could basically worship the ground she walks on. Between Gwen and Merlin, Arthur is sure his schedule is filled with phone calls and study dates. He hasn’t seen a lot of his other friends because of the distance, but he checks up on them once in a while. Arthur is scared that might be him and Merlin soon, but he’d rather not think about it. 

He flips through his textbook answering questions while Merlin goes on and on about what kind of tattoos they should get. Arthur’s never been one for getting a tattoo (he’s scared of anything sharp) but if Merlin is persistent about it, he’ll bear with the pain. Besides, it would be nice to have a reminder of his friend with him. He’s far from home afterall. 

“What if we got little hearts?” Merlin asks. 

Arthur shakes his head even though Merlin can’t see him. “That’s stupid, think of something better.”

“Wow...so picky,” Merlin sighs. 

They’re both silent for a while until Arthur’s brain lights up like a cartoon bulb. “Okay, I just thought of this,  _ I  _ think it’s great.”

Merlin laughs on the other line. “Go for it.”

“What if we got constellations? Like Ursa major and Ursa minor, or Cassiopeia?”

“Arthur…” he drags on, “That’s so fucking  _ sappy _ .”

“Fine! If you don’t like it you can just say it, you don’t have to-”

“No! I love it. I really like it. But it’s really sappy coming from you. Also, you’re a loser.”

“I don’t need to take this disrespect, also I have to finish my homework, bye!” Arthur says before he ends the call before Merlin can get another word in. 

Matching tattoos don’t sound so bad. 

-

When winter break finally rolls around, Arthur does end up getting matching tattoos with Merlin. Arthur visits Ealdor, and they get the matching constellations of Cassiopeia as planned. Arthur feels somewhat proud of his idea. Except as soon as he sits in the chair, Arthur regrets it. After becoming so lost in the idea of getting a tattoo, he forgot how much they hurt. Even if Merlin assures him that it won’t hurt as much because he’s getting it on his wrist, Arthur still starts to sweat bullets.

“Here, if you’re going to be such a loser about it, just hold my hand,” Merlin suggests. __

“I’m fine.”

“Okay...but if you end up crying for me to hold you, I’m not gonna do it.” 

Arthur rolls his eyes and tries to calm himself down before the tattoo artist starts. Except when the tattoo artist grabs Arthur’s hand, Arthur visibly tenses. 

“Relax, you’re fine,” the artist reassures him, “I think you should hold your friend’s hand. It does help with the pain.”

Arthur reluctantly agrees. By the end of the process, Merlin has complained at least ten times about how Arthur might have broken his hand and how they’re sweating too much for a small tattoo. 

“Do you want me to hold your hand too?” Arthur teases. 

“Haha, very funny,” he deadpans, “And no, I’m okay, I actually have a very high pain tolerance.” 

Arthur grabs Merlin’s hand and says, “Just give me your hand loser.”

Merlin does clutch onto his hand a little too hard, but at least he doesn’t have a death grip like Arthur. They finish the tattoos in less time than expected because Merlin isn’t complaining every two seconds about the pain, and go back to Merlin’s house. 

“It’s kind of pathetic not gonna lie, your fear of needles? I mean  _ really, _ there was no reason to break my hand like that, Pendragon.”

“ _ Fuck off _ , you’re the one who can’t handle a little pressure, I barely crushed your hand,” Arthur denies. 

Merlin hums in response and then shoves Arthur off his chair. They try not to use their arms too much, but it can’t be helped when they’re busy trying to kill each other.

Arthur misses this, hanging out at Merlin’s house when they didn’t have to care about grades. He really misses being able to lay down on the floor and not think about anything worth worrying over. Arthur really wants to go back to when his mom was still there and when Merlin and he would help Hunith make cookies, but Merlin is with him right now, and that’s all he needs. 

-

Winter break ends faster than expected and Arthur hates how quickly all of it went by. The next time he’ll get to see Merlin in person probably won’t be for another two or even three months, and somehow that makes his stomach feel weird. When he reluctantly says goodbye, his stomach ends up in knots. He doesn’t want to go back to campus, the assignments and the stress. 

The workload is a lot less heavy during the second semester, but sadly, it doesn’t mean that Arthur isn’t less busy. He and Gwen still frequent the library and then cram in each other’s dorms until ungodly hours of the night. Arthur finds that he’s adjusting to college life...which is both scary and exciting. Letting go of high school and moving onto a new chapter of his life is terrifying, but Gwen tells him that everything will happen naturally, so really, there’s no need to worry. 

Merlin’s workload is also significantly more than Arthur’s and while they still do call each other, Merlin is just too busy sometimes. The calls go from almost every day to maybe two to three times a week. Arthur can’t blame him though, Merlin was always one to take his schoolwork seriously no matter what, perhaps even more than Arthur. Even if Arthur was staying up two nights a week to finish work in high school, he guessed that Merlin was going almost double that. 

Arthur makes sure to check up on Merlin every now and then, and if his eye bags weren’t pronounced before, they are now. They yell at each other to get more sleep, but no one does, and their calls accidentally run into the late hours of the night. Arthur tries to keep in contact over the course of the next semester, but it’s hard, even if they both put forth a massive effort. The only thing that’s keeping Arthur from completely giving up on his assignments is the fact that he can hang out with his friends after all the school work is done. It’s enough to drive him insane though,  _ the things I do for school.  _

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was so hard to write ;-; but a song that inspired me to write the scenes in this one was tattoos together by lauv! it's such a cute and good song :D


	8. lavender

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lavender - solitude and beauty

age 19

-

Summer is probably the best and worst part of the year in Arthur’s humble opinion. Arthur can love summer with his whole heart and yet there is always a nagging feeling he can’t get rid of when it comes around. Summer reminds him of endless nights at friend’s houses and running in the park until it’s too scary to walk home alone. 

This summer though, Merlin isn’t here, and that feeling at the bottom of his stomach is back. Merlin is still at school, they’re offering summer classes for people who want to graduate early. 

Arthur first laughs when Merlin brings it up, joking about how he was taking initiative, but Merlin seems serious over the phone. When he explains that Hunith is growing older and needs help at home, Arthur sympathizes. Of course, summer isn’t summer without Merlin, but Arthur will have to manage.

He brings Gwen with him to Ealdor, and she almost cries when they reach Arthur’s house. She says that she hasn’t been home since the school year first started, not even on their breaks. It’s been almost two years, so one can imagine how ridiculous it sounds when she says that. Arthur finds it horrifying and takes her to every diner and ice cream shop they’ve ever been to in an effort to cheer her up. 

“I’ve been seeing Morgana!” Gwen blurts out suddenly. Her eyes are closed and she curls into a ball, almost as if she expects Arthur to be angry.

Arthur almost spits out his soda and yells, “ _ What? _ ”

People all around the diner turn towards them and Arthur manages to flash a sheepish smile through the embarrassment. “You’re  _ what _ ?” He whispers this time as he cleans the mess in front of him. 

“I’m...seeing Morgana, as in,” Gwen turns to look out the window like this is the most mortifying thing to ever say, but it can’t be more embarrassing for her than Arthur, “As in, dating?”

“You’re dating my sister?” He repeats again in confusion. 

Gwen turns towards him and this time she looks frustrated. “Oh for God’s sake can you hear me, I’m dating your bloody sister!”

People turn to stare at them again and Arthur has to resist the urge to cry out of humiliation.

“Okay! I got it, now would you please  _ lower your voice _ ,” he grabs Gwen’s shoulders, “Um, can I ask a question?”

“Go ahead.”

“Why? I mean seriously, why? She’s like...a horrible person and you know her sense of fashion is terrible too.”

Gwen rolls her eyes once again,  _ the attitude!  _ “You know, if you spent at least half the amount of time with your sister that you spent with Merlin I feel like you’d get to know her a lot better. Also, her style is amazing! You wouldn’t know fashion if it bit you on your nose!” Gwen erupts into a fit of giggles at that. 

“Rude!” He starts to laugh loud enough for people to start staring  _ again _ , and he thinks that they should leave soon or else he’ll turn into the human embodiment of a tomato. 

They leave before Arthur can turn a humiliating shade of red and walk back to Gwen’s bus station. 

“You know, I’m happy for you. As long as both of you are happy, I’m happy,” Arthur states as they walk in the cold. 

Gwen looks like she’s about to cry before she hugs him. “Thank you, Arthur, and I promise I won’t break her heart.”

Arthur lets out a loud laugh. “I don’t think I’m worried about you breaking  _ her  _ heart, I think it might be the other way around.

“She’s sweet, I think we’ll be fine.”

“You know I think I  _ should  _ spend more time with her...all my life I have never heard anyone describe her as sweet…”

Gwen slaps him lightly on his arm and giggles in response.

Arthur decides that he has nowhere else to go other than home, so he hops onto the bus with Gwen. She’s headed to a nearby bakery to meet Morgana anyway; he can just call a cab and head home, there’s no need to interrupt her date. 

The more he thinks about it, the more confused he becomes. Morgana never talked to him about anything sexuality-related. Frankly, they haven’t talked much at all, but he’s curious now and besides, there’s no harm in supporting his sister. “Gwen…” he starts. 

She turns to look up from her phone.“Yes?” 

“Um, how-how did you know that you were um…”

“Huh?”

“Hold on!,” he pauses, ”How did you know that you were like, interested in girls?” Arthur rushes the sentence out so fast it sounds like one word. He feels like he’s lost three years off his lifespan once the words are out of his mouth. 

“Oh! Well, I don’t really know to be honest!” She laughs, “I think maybe in high school, maybe later? Probably when Morgana started to flirt with me? See the thing is, I was really oblivious... _ like very oblivious _ . Like, I didn’t really know until Morgana told me that she liked me. I just thought she was pretty and then she um, kissed me and then I decided that I liked it and now we’re dating. But, I don’t think there has to be a set age when you figure it out too, or how you figure it out. Lots of people figure it out later in life, and lots of people figure it out when they’re young...Any reason why?”

“Oh, um. Nothing, just wondering. I never really knew that about Morgana. Are you both lesbians?”

“I think you should talk to her about that, but I think I like women more than men. You’re kind of an exception though Arthur, so how do you feel?” Gwen holds her hand up to Arthur’s hand like a mic and smiles so wide that he’s afraid he’ll be blinded. 

“I feel extremely  _ flattered _ if I’m being honest,” he grips her hand, “I’m very flattered to be your exception, Gwen.” 

They hold onto each other for the rest of the bus ride and the feeling in Arthur’s stomach slowly starts to fade. He’s really grateful for Gwen right now. 

When they reach the bakery, Arthur tries not to mention the fact that he knows that Gwen and she are dating, but Morgana wastes no time (as she usually does). 

“You know that Gwen and I are going out, right?”

“ _ Yes _ ,” Arthur puts his head in his hands, “Why wouldn’t you tell me? I’m your brother.”

“Well, even if we are brother and sister, we’re not that close.”

“Morgana, you talk like you and I are complete strangers. I’ve seen you have a complete meltdown over smudged lipstick,” he retaliates and Gwen starts to laugh. Morgana scoffs and crosses her arms, so Arthur knows that he’s won.

Gwen excuses herself to the bathroom, so Arthur knows that he can ask personal questions now. “Are you going to come out to Dad? I mean you haven’t even come out to me…”

“I didn’t know this meant so much to you, Arthur,” she clutches her heart and pouts in fake sympathy.

“I’m trying to be nice! You can’t even take anything seriously. I just don’t want you to get hurt...you know how he is.”

Their father is a lot like a judge with an iron fist. After their mother’s death, he remained almost the same. Uther would still pick fights with anyone in the house over everything; if the dishes weren’t washed immediately he would start yelling if grades weren’t up to par a lecture would follow and if either of them embarrassed him, someone would probably have to replace a vase. Arthur doesn't really like going back home, so he can’t blame Morgana if she doesn’t want to come out to Uther either. 

“I don’t know if I will, maybe one day. I feel like he might change with time if I did, but we’ll never know,” she tells him, “And since you’re so concerned, I’m a lesbian, I like women.”

“How did you know?” Arthur asks. 

“For God’s sake, if I had known I was getting interviewed, I would’ve dressed up nicer than this.”

“Morgana!”

“Fine, and I don’t know, I guess I found some girls in our class pretty, but it wasn’t an,  _ oh you’re pretty,  _ it was like a,  _ can you kiss me pretty _ ? I don’t know, this is embarrassing,” she leans forwards and flashes a smile similar to the Cheshire cat, “How did you know that you like women, Arthur?”

“Same as you, I like kissing girls,” he laughs it off. 

He gets up when Gwen arrives, not wanting to interrupt their date any further and grabs a nearby cab. 

_ How do you know that you like women? How do you know that you like men?  _ Arthur shakes his head as if he’s shaking the thoughts out of his head. It doesn’t work, and they remain on his mind through the whole cab ride.  _ How do I know that I like women?  _ Arthur thinks that this is easy to answer, he’s had crushes on girls, actresses, passer-by women, he’s even kissed a girl or two! That has to mean something. The kiss with Sophia was messy and sloppy but he didn’t hate it. It could’ve been a better kiss, but he was sixteen, so he can’t really blame himself. 

Men are a different world though. He thinks that this shouldn’t be so hard, he’s a man, but it’s hard to even suggest. It’s not like he grew up around a homophobic family either. Gwaine was very _open_ about his sexuality in high school, but Arthur can’t use Gwaine as an example because Gwaine would kiss any moving object. He doesn’t count. The longer Arthur thinks about it, it gets more confusing. _Morgana said that thinking that girls being pretty wasn’t enough._ _So what is enough? Maybe I’m like Gwen! I have to kiss a guy to figure it out. Who would I even kiss though?_

Arthur decides that it’s too much for his brain to handle and decides to melt his mind with stupid reruns. He ends up falling asleep on the couch but doesn’t dream of anything. When he wakes up, the thought is still on his mind,  _ who would I even kiss?  _

-

He tries to call Merlin, but all he can get is the robotic voice of the woman telling him that Merlin isn’t available. Arthur knows that he shouldn’t be frustrated, he really shouldn’t, he knows that the other boy is taking classes to graduate early. A lot of those classes are difficult and require more work, but _ goddamn  _ all Arthur wants to do is rant to Merlin about how hard science is. 

It’s strange being this far away from Merlin. They haven’t been this way since exam season or applying for colleges in high school. He starts to miss their weekly calls and rants about their terrible professors, but Arthur is sure they’ll be fine. 

While he does end up texting Merlin a couple of times, he doesn’t wait up for an answer. He really can’t blame Merlin for wanting to study more to graduate earlier. It’s for a good thing too, so when Merlin cancels a call for the fifth time this week, Arthur can’t say that he’s disappointed. He tries to reassure himself that they’ll eventually return to their routine, that it just takes time, but Merlin’s short replies say something different. The lack of text messages drags on for weeks at a time, and suddenly it’s been a whole month without talking to Merlin. 

He tries to strike up a conversation and even contemplates calling Merlin, but Arthur gets the same automated answer. Arthur goes on with the rest of his days like normal until he notices how much Merlin is actually in his life. From photos to friends to family, Merlin shows up everywhere, even when he’s not physically there. 

Time seems to squish days together and without a warning, summer is gone. He tries to talk to Merlin but doesn’t know if he should. He hesitates in sending a text message when before he could send a chain of them and Merlin would reply to all ten. Arthur hates the delicacy of it. He doesn’t want to tiptoe around his best friend, but he can’t help but write and then delete drafts of messages to send. He shuts his phone off the next time he gets frustrated. 

Once the school year starts, Arthur is busy again. Second-year is harder than the first, and even if he has better professors, he still thinks every class is horrible. 

As the year drags on he sees his social media feed filled with people he doesn’t know. Except for Merlin, who’s slowly becoming someone he’d known in high school, not someone he thought would always be there. But there’s always something to post and something to comment so Arthur does just that. 

He comments on one of Merlin’s photos of a coffee cup, _ I didn’t know you drank coffee _ . 

Merlin replies with,  _ Yeah, I started in the summer.  _

Their interactions drag on like this: a comment, a reply, a comment, a reply. It’s like this for months and months. They communicate through likes and occasional comments and through mutual friends. This is how they talk now, and it’s such a devastatingly stark contrast from when they were younger. Arthur thought that they would be friends until one of them got married or had kids, and even then they would still be together. 

People often tell others how to deal with the parting of a romantic partner, but no one knows how to lose a friend.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this whole chapter was me projecting T_T but i hope it was good...it hurt to write it doe 


	9. tulip and orange blossom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tulip - strongly associated with true love; perfect love
> 
> orange blossom - no meaning for this one, i just think that feeding someone tangerine slices is a very intimate and romantic act of affection

age 21 

-

Home smells the same even after Arthur moving out, Morgana moving out and Uther barely being there. He can barely sense the smoke, but it’s there. The house is cold when Arthur enters with his suitcases. He tries to call out for his father, but when no answer comes back, Arthur assumes that no one is home. He sets his suitcases in his room and lays in his bed. 

Four years have passed since his mother’s death, and Arthur thinks that it’s a good time to go visit her. Arthur doesn’t know if he ever got over her death, he thinks that he just pushed it aside to think about later. There was almost no time to process it either, one minute she was here and then next she was gone. 

He feels guilty that he almost misses the fact that his parents fought so much, Arthur just misses his mother’s presence. He can remember her helping him with his math homework until he started to fall asleep and reading stories to him when he couldn't go to sleep. 

When he goes to her grave, it looks like it hasn’t been tended to in years. There are dust and dirt everywhere and the name on her stone is fading slightly. Anger flares up inside him before he starts to brush everything off. He sits and places Lillies by the gravestone. Arthur is silent for a long time before he can say anything, he just doesn’t know what to say. He opens his mouth to speak and then closes it when he decides that it’s stupid so many times that his jaw starts to hurt. 

“Sorry I haven’t been here in a long time. I graduated,” he says with a soft smile. “I think you would be proud, maybe. I graduated with honors, which is nice…” he trails off, not knowing what else to say. 

“I’m sorry, this is hard…” he pauses, “I think I might have a job opportunity which is cool, it’s a corporate job, but it pays well, so that’s good. I don’t have a girlfriend yet, so sorry about that. I don’t even know if I’ll get married, to be honest. Sorry about that too.”

He holds himself and if anyone were to look at him right now, all they would see is a ball of limbs. He feels an immense wave of regret that washes over him. Arthur thinks that’s what happens when you don’t have a chance to grieve. He regrets not being able to visit the hospital as much, or even saying I love you as often; he knows he should’ve said that more. All he can do now though is pay his respects and move on. His mother is gone and he can’t change it no matter how hard he tries, so he’ll just have to keep on living. 

Arthur goes to the nearest bar he can find after saying goodbye to his mother; he desperately needs a drink. 

When he reaches the bar he takes a seat at a table close to the windows. Arthur knows that he can’t handle alcohol well, but he tells himself that he can have two drinks and then go home. He’s only able to drink one bottle of beer before getting tipsy because he’s a fucking lightweight. He knows he should get home soon, Morgana is expecting him for dinner and his father is coming too and he should honestly leave, but he stays seated in the uncomfortable chair. 

He’s about to get up to grab another drink, but out of the corner of his eye, he can see a familiar face. He has to do a double-take because he’s not sure what he’s seeing is correct.  _ Merlin? _

Merlin is talking with a man a few feet away from where Arthur is sitting. 

He texts Morgana quickly and tries to get advice on whether he should approach Merlin or not. Morgana calls Arthur stupid and various other insults which are too vulgar to say and tells him to just talk to him. Arthur slowly gets up from his table and with a forced smile, he walks towards Merlin.

He waves and in a shaky voice says, “Merlin? Is that you?”  _ Of course, it is, you’re fucking stupid.  _

Merlin turns away from his conversation and his eyes become wider than the moon. “Arthur!” He exclaims and almost drops his drink. Merlin quickly sets away his glass and goes to hug Arthur which is surprising. 

They pull apart and this time Arthur doesn’t have to force a smile. Merlin excuses himself from his conversation (which Arthur feels bad about, but not that much) and they walk over to Arthur’s table. He finds himself staring at Merlin a lot while they talk, which should be expected; they’ve changed a lot over the course of two and a half years. 

Arthur feels a little starstruck only because the last time he saw Merlin, he was skinny and pale. The Merlin in front of him right now is almost unrecognizable. He has  _ facial hair _ and has muscles (maybe, Arthur can’t really tell with all those layers), but he definitely doesn’t look like the old Merlin. 

They begin to catch up on things, like what they’re doing now, how their parents have been, etc. Then Merlin takes off his jacket and yeah, he definitely has muscles. It’s embarrassing how much time Arthur spends staring at the other man’s arms instead of making eye contact. He knows he should stop, but it’s a staggering change from high school. 

“Arthur, are you listening?” Merlin says his name in a way that makes Arthur’s stomach hurt. He really likes it, but maybe that’s just the nostalgia talking. 

“Yeah, no, it’s just...”

“Yeah?”

“What the fuck did you do to get so...buff? Like actually, what the fuck?” Once again, Arthur proves that he has absolutely no filter when it comes to Merlin, and he immediately regrets it when the words come out of his mouth.

Luckily, Merlin finds it hilarious, as he can’t stop laughing for at least ten minutes. When he finally calms down, he chokes out the words, “Leon owns a farm, I’m helping him out, slash working there. After a few years, you start to bulk up, so.”

Arthur raises his eyebrows in confusion. “What happened to going into Biomed?” 

“Oh, I got a couple of job opportunities, but they were too far away from mum, and she isn’t doing too well so I wanted to be closer to her. Leon’s farm isn’t too far and it pays enough to keep me fed. I don’t really mind it.”

“That’s good,” he smiles. 

“What about you? Any job offers yet? I’m sure lots of people want to hire  _ the  _ Arthur Pendragon.”

He sighs. “I just graduated, so I was kind of looking for a break, but to be honest, I really don’t know what I want to do. I know a business degree can guarantee a job in almost anything at this point...but I don’t know,” Arthur pauses, “Sorry, that was kind of a lot to dump on you.” 

“No! It’s completely fine. I’m sure you’ll find something soon enough. Besides, I think you deserve a break, it looks like you’ve been working too hard for a long time. Your eye bags are getting dangerously large,” Merlin chuckles at his own joke. 

“Haha, very funny.”

They drink in silence for the remainder of the time before Merlin pipes up again. “You know, if you want I can talk to Leon for you. I’m sure there’s less labor-intensive work to do around the farm. Only if you’d like though, not forcing you into anything.”

“No, don’t worry! I’ll see, but thanks for the offer, it means a lot.”

“No problem,” Merlin smiles again. 

Arthur isn’t sure if he hates or likes the way they’re speaking now. It’s much more polite, but it’s expected because they haven’t seen each other in such a long time. He can’t really say that he’s disappointed at how distant they sound, Arthur knows that they can’t just go back to the way they were when they were seventeen. It hurts, but he’s sure that they can get there one day. There’s no need to rush. 

They get up to leave and because Arthur can’t handle his liquor, he wobbles a little before Merlin has to catch him. He hangs onto Merlin’s shoulders until he can get a solid stance. They wobble towards the exit and part there. 

Before he walks away though, Merlin looks at Arthur and says, “It kind of sucks how we didn’t stay friends in college. I wish we did.”

“Yeah,” Arthur replies. He tries not to sound bitter. 

“We should hang out again, I want to talk to you again. You’re still using the same number right?”

Arthur considered it briefly before agreeing, “Yeah, I am, and we should.” 

They go their separate ways, and somehow Arthur ends up feeling worse than when he came into the bar. 

He can be angry with Merlin, or that’s what he tells himself when he storms all the way down the street to find a cab. After all, Merlin was the one who stopped talking to Arthur, and even if Arthur had stopped trying, he had put  _ some _ , if not all of his effort into trying to revive their friendship before it fizzled out. Who’s Merlin to say that they should talk again when he was the first one to stop talking at all? Arthur is frustrated and he’s so  _ bitter _ . It’s a gross and slimy feeling and it makes him want to punch a wall, which is somehow even worse. They had been a two-headed spirit for so long, and then Merlin unexpectedly cut ties, even when Arthur tried to glue them back together. He tries to justify his anger, but it fuels the flame. By the time he gets home, he can barely look at the food Morgana’s prepared, let alone eat it. 

“Come on, out with it,” Morgana says. She always insists on knowing what’s going on with Arthur these days, and Arthur can’t decide whether it’s annoying or sweet. 

“What?”

“You’re clearly in a bad mood, I baked cake and you won’t even eat it. You know dad already ate like three slices...that’s how good it is.”

“Bullshit, you bought it from the store and dad was too tired to say anything.”

“No! I actually made it...now tell me what’s going on,” she insists. 

He sighs dramatically before speaking. “I don’t know. I spoke to Merlin again.”

“Well, that’s good, right? You caught up and everything?”

“Yeah, it was all fine until he said that we should hang out again. I got...angry when he said that it was sad that we lost contact.  _ He  _ was the one who stopped talking to me and then he says that it was sad that we lost contact! I was the one to actually try and talk to him again, and he just wouldn’t budge.”

“I don’t think the blame should be on just one person here, you let go of him later than he did of you. It’s okay.”

“It’s _ not _ okay, he made me promise that we would stay friends after high school and here we are!”

“Listen, people grow apart okay? They get busy and no one can call or text and it happens. No one is at fault and no one should be blamed. It happens all the time, even to people who were best friends in high school and elementary. You’re not the only one with this problem. I think the best way to get over it is to just let it go. You both had busy lives, things happened and now you’re in a part of your life where you can actually restart your friendship. I think you’ll both be fine”

“....I didn’t know that you were a therapist too, Morgana,’ he teases. 

Morgana chuckles, “If you’re still hungry, there’s pasta and cake downstairs. Help yourself, I’m going to bed.”

Before she leaves the room, Arthur calls out for her. “Thanks.”

“Just eat soon.” 

_ People grow apart, okay? _

-

“Come visit the farm today, I can show you a bunch of stuff and I’m sure Leon wouldn’t mind,” Merlin suggests over the phone. 

“Are you sure?”

“As long as you’re free, I’m fine.”

“Okay.” He hangs up the phone with a smile.

He tells Morgana that he’s going to Merlin’s farm and when she asks why he replies with the fact that he is  _ unemployed _ . Arthur makes his way over to the farm, which Merlin was not lying when he said that it wasn’t far; it’s barely a 25-minute drive. 

When he arrives, Merlin is covered in dirt and sweat. He goes to hug Arthur and then backs away because of the grime. They can hug later, Merlin says.

Arthur greets Leon as well. He hasn’t changed much since high school, he’s still calmer than the rest of them, which Arthur very much appreciates. 

The two men show him around, and Merlin jokes about Arthur working with him, about how it wouldn’t be so bad. Part of Arthur tries to imagine himself planting and looking after vegetables and the other part of him imagines himself spending more time with Merlin. He thinks, maybe he will take the job at the farm. 

They walk around and Arthur helps Merlin with various tasks; his favorite is feeding the horses. Over the course of the day, Arthur comes to love taking care of carrots and feeding animals, it’s soothing. So what if his business degree isn’t exactly put to the best use, he’ll be content. Besides, Merlin said that the work didn’t have to be labor-intensive. 

They have dinner and Arthur eats too much to compensate for the fact that he barely had anything yesterday. Merlin and Leon joke about things he doesn’t understand and he still laughs. 

They talk about everything but work, and a warm feeling settles in his chest. He realizes that he hasn’t felt like this since before college.

He goes to wash his hands after he finishes eating and Merlin follows right behind him. 

“Hey,” Merlin greets softly. There’s something different about his voice now, maybe it’s because Arthur hasn’t heard his voice in so long, but it’s not familiar now. It’s not like there’s something wrong with that though, he knows that they’ve both changed. If he’s being honest, Arthur is starting to like the changes a little. 

He smiles. “Hey.”

“How’d you like the farm? I was honestly surprised at how much work you were willing to do since you were such a pretentious dick when you were younger.”

Arthur shoves Merlin, careful not to topple the stack of dishes next to them. “I was going to tell you that I was seriously considering working with you, but if my coworkers are going to be like this…” he laughs and manages to get out a few more words, “I don’ t think I can work here if the environment is like this.” 

“Like I said, a pretentious dick,” Merlin chuckles while shaking his head. 

By the time they’re done washing the dishes and cleaning up, it’s time for Arthur to leave. He doesn’t want to leave, but he won’t say it out loud. He figures it’s understood when Merlin and he move towards the door so slowly that a snail would beat them in a race for it. 

Merlin leans against the door and with a small smile, he says .“I’m really glad you could make it today.” 

“Me too.” Arthur has one foot in and one foot out the door. Half of his body is still warm while the other is begging to get into his heated car. 

“Next time, let’s go to your place.”

The suggestion throws Arthur off guard and Merlin must notice since he immediately follows with, “We don’t have to though! We can just go get coffee or something, we don’t have to go to your...house?”

Arthur clears his throat. “I’m staying at my parent's house right now, but, um, I don’t think it’ll be a problem if we go over there. Morgana moved in with Gwen and my dad isn’t there that often now.”

“Oh, I didn’t know that they moved in together. To be honest I didn’t know if they were even friends after school.”

“Yeah, they’ve been dating since my second year of college. They’re pretty serious now,” he smiles, remembering how Morgana gushed while showing the keys to him. 

“That’s so great!”

“Yeah,” Arthur contemplates leaving now because he knows it’ll get awkward soon, “I think I’ll get going now, it’s cold, you don’t want to make the house cold too.”

“Oh, yeah!”

Before he can step out of the door though, Merlin grabs his hand. Arthur turns to look at him in confusion.  _ Did I forget anything?  _ With his hand still in Merlin’s, the other boy says, “Hey, you can call me anytime. We can go for coffee or just hang out or whatever. I meant it when I said we should talk more.” 

“Yeah-yeah, I’ll call you sometime,” Arthur stutters and quickly walks to his car. 

_ We should talk more we should talk more we should talk more we should talk more, well we’re talking!  _

Arthur decides that Merlin has successfully reduced his lifespan by five years by saying this over and over again. 

-

As promised, they do start to talk a lot more and hang out more. It’s almost like they’re sixteen again. They’re attached at the hip now that Arthur is actually working for Leon at the farm. Contrary to what Merlin says though, he does do a lot of physically demanding work, but he helps out with expenses too. 

It’s fun, working with the two of them. No day is boring; some days they slack off too much and end up sitting in front of the television and other days they end up collapsing on the grass out of exhaustion. It’s definitely not what his father wants, but Arthur’s happy with where he’s turned out. Starting a business can wait for however many years. 

“Hey, what are you thinking about?”

Arthur shakes his head. “Huh?” 

“You seem preoccupied.”

“Oh, no, I’m fine.” 

“You’re sure?”

“Yeah,” he smiles. 

Merlin grins and grabs a handful of something, Arthur can’t tell, but he knows that it’ll be bad for him. “You’re  _ sure _ ?” 

Arthur slowly backs away since he doesn’t know what’s in Merlin’s hand. “ _ Yes _ , I’m sure. Now would you please put down whatever you’re holding. I washed my hair today,” he frowns. 

It doesn’t matter how much Arthur tries to avoid it, he gets a handful of tomato seeds in his face and his hair. He picks one out of his hair and stares at Merlin in disappointment. Then he starts chasing Merlin.  _ I have to wash my hair again!  _

They run around on the grass for a long time, and Arthur is reminded of the fact that he is not as fit as he used to be. He finally catches up to Merlin after several minutes of chasing and Arthur tackles him. They both fall to the ground with a loud  _ thump! _

Wrestling on the damp grass seems like an easy task until Arthur actually has to do it. He’s reminded again that he’s not that fit, and also Merlin is now stronger than him, which is somewhat unsettling. Merlin manages to pin him to the ground and while they laugh, Arthur’s face starts to heat up. 

“When did you get so strong,” Arthur manages to wheeze out from underneath Merlin’s weight. 

“I told you! It’s all the weightlifting.”

Arthur coughs when Merlin finally gets off of him. “Oh yeah?” 

They’re both too exhausted to get up and actually do their work, so they lay in the grass for a while. Arthur inhales the fresh air and closes his eyes. He feels his muscles relax and he melts into the ground. They should get to work, but neither of them moves an inch. 

Out of nowhere, Merlin blurts, “Are you seeing anyone?”

“No.” Arthur turns towards Merlin. 

“Oh.”

“What about you?”

“I’m not either.”

“Oh.”

“Did you see anyone in college?”

Arthur laughs a little at his romantic history. There’s none, that’s why it’s funny. “No, not really. I wasn’t interested in anyone to be honest.”

“So you were a book worm, huh?”

“Well, yeah. You were too!” He shoves Merlin playfully. “Did you date anyone in college?”

“Well I wouldn’t say we dated, but I had a thing with this guy in my chemistry class. It didn’t go anywhere, obviously.”

Arthur’s eyes go wide upon hearing the word  _ guy _ .  Merlin says it so casually that Arthur almost misses it too.  _ Guy.  _

“You dated a guy?” He pries curiously. 

“We didn’t date, I told you this. God, you need to get your ears checked. But yes, I did have a thing with a boy. Are you not comfortable with that or…”

Arthur sits up and a flash of anger spreads throughout his body. “What? Of course, I’m not uncomfortable. You’ve known me for most of my life...when have I been uncomfortable with anything like that?,” he pauses to see the expression on Merlin’s face, he doesn’t like it, “Gwaine doesn’t really count though, he kind of wanted to kiss anything that moved so...but for Christ’s sake Merlin, my own sister is a lesbian!” He laughs out of frustration. Luckily, Merlin laughs too. 

Arthur likes Merlin’s smile. 

“You’re right, sorry.”

“No, I mean, it’s a valid concern. Sorry, I overreacted.” Arthur looks down since he can feel his face turning an embarrassing shade of red, “...When did you know?”

“Know what?”

“That you were-”

“Gay?”

“Yeah, when did you know?”

“Um…well, um,” Merlin fidgets with the hem of his shirt for a while before speaking again, “This is so fucking humiliating, but I think I had a crush on you for a good year or so.”

It’s like a gust of wind blows Arthur off his seat on the grass. He trips while sitting if that’s even possible.  _ A crush? On me?  _ A grin breaks out on Arthur’s face, but he swallows any laugh that might be coming up.  _ Merlin had a crush on me?  _ Suddenly he wants to know every detail, fuck humiliation, this is the best news of the year. 

“When? Was it in high school? Oh my God, how did I not notice?” Arthur is still grinning from ear to ear. 

Merlin groans so loudly Arthur is sure the cows on the nearby hills might have heard it. He covers his face with his hands before answering. “I think it was in grade ten? Maybe grade eleven, and you didn’t notice because you’re an oblivious bastard. I’m glad you’re so fucking stupid, oh my God.” 

“I was your gay awakening! This has to be the greatest accomplishment of my life,” he doubles over with laughter. 

“Shut up, please shut the fuck up. I don’t want to be reminded of my crush on a colossal dumbass. It’s embarrassing.”

Arthur is still clutching his stomach from laughter, but he manages to say, “It’s definitely not embarrassing. You should be proud that your first crush was on  _ me _ .”

“My crush on a narcissistic dumbass.” 

“God, you can never bring this up again,” Arthur is still laughing slightly when Merlin says this, “I could probably crush your hand if I really wanted to.” 

Arthur crosses his arms while laughing. “So rude.”

“Let’s go, Leon’s probably wondering where we are.”

“Yeah, and when he asks us where we were, I’ll tell him that you were confessing your love to me.” Arthur treads on dangerous territory when he utters these words, but it’s so worth it to see the look on Merlin’s face. He breaks into a sprint right after because Merlin is right, he could definitely crush Arthur’s hand if he wanted to. 

By the time he reaches home, Arthur can’t stop smiling. When Morgana asks for the reason for the sudden change in behavior, he replies with something stupid, like, “Leon tripped over a bucket of fertilizer today.” It’s true, he did. 

Arthur doesn’t know why Merlin is in his dream that night, but he’s happy to see a familiar face at night. 

-

“You and Merlin seem to be close,” Morgana says while draining the pasta. They’re cooking because Merlin is finally coming over. Though it might not be just the two of them, Arthur thinks it’ll be nice for Morgana to see Merlin again. 

“Well we’ve been friends for almost two decades...if you said that we weren’t close I probably would’ve been offended.” 

“Very funny. I’m just saying, you’re spending a lot of time with him-”

“We work together?”

“You know what I mean.”

He stops cutting vegetables and turns towards Morgana with a confused expression. “What do you mean?”

“Arthur.” She raises her eyebrows. 

“Yes…”

“You know what, never mind! I’ll let you figure it out on your own.”

He throws his hands up in frustration and goes back to cutting the vegetables. They have a couple of hours before Merlin arrives, but Morgana insisted on making a five-course meal, so they’ve been cooking since ten. 

They end up finishing around one, just before Merlin arrives, so they have enough time to clean up and not look like total messes. Arthur tries on so many different outfits that his floor is covered in clothes by the time he decides on a plain t-shirt and jeans. His heart is beating a million miles, but he knows that he shouldn’t be this nervous. He’s had dinner with Merlin so many times that he can’t even count now. 

Arthur’s heart starts to beat faster (if it’s even possible) when the doorbell rings. He runs down the stairs like a child and answers the door while out of breath. 

“Hi.”

“Hey.” Merlin smiles softly. Arthur can feel his cheeks heating up, so he opens the door and follows behind Merlin to avoid any more eye contact. 

Arthur helps his sister with the food and Merlin sits in silence. 

The conversation flows almost naturally once they get going. Morgana tells them both about how she might propose to Gwen which makes Arthur almost flip the table from happiness, and Merlin gets a little teary-eyed. She still hasn’t come out to Uther yet, let alone told him that she has a serious girlfriend/possible fiance. That might make things more difficult, but Arthur shoves that thought to the back of his head and enjoys lunch with the two of them. They talk about the farm, and how Arthur is actually getting better at certain things, and how he’s still not as strong as Merlin. When they finish lunch, Morgana puts on a movie (it’s one of those trashy romcoms from Netflix) and they all sit on the couch curled up into each other for warmth. 

Halfway through the movie, his eyelids start to close and before he knows it, Arthur is asleep. 

He wakes up to his head on Merlin’s shoulder and the other boys head on top of his. Arthur thinks about how they managed to live without each other for so long when they’ve been like one person for their whole lives. He takes a look at Merlin and instantly regrets it. Merlin shaved, so he no longer has an overworked lumberjack look, and Arthur is reminded of how pale his face actually is. Even while working in the sun, he barely tans. 

Arthur doesn’t understand it, how even after so many years, Merlin’s presence is still so comforting. Sunlight pours over both of them, and suddenly Arthur gets a strong urge to hold onto Merlin’s hand. So he does. Morgana is long gone, so it won’t matter that he grabs the other man’s hand and goes back to sleep on his shoulder. 

Arthur doesn’t wake up again until a quarter past five, meaning that they both slept on the couch for three hours. Two hours too many. The movie is already done, and Arthur is embarrassed to find a fully awake Merlin chuckling at him. 

“You still drool in your sleep a lot.”

Arthur’s face turns a bright pink before apologizing quickly. “Sorry, um, I can get a shirt for you if you want to change?”

“Sure, my shoulder is kinda wet.” 

Arthur groans out of utter humiliation when he goes to his room to find a shirt. He grabs the cleanest shirt he can find and does a full body shake before leaving his room. 

“Here,” he says as he hands Merlin the shirt. 

“Thanks,” Merlin says and proceeds to take off his own shirt right in front of Arthur. Arthur averts his eyes so fast he’s sure he might have given himself whiplash. His face betrays him once again when he blushes.

Merlin seems unfazed and continues conversation like normal. “Next time, when we go to the movies let’s pick something you’ll actually like. I don’t want to fall asleep again.”

Arthur clears his throat. “Yeah, let’s-let’s do that.”

The shirt on Merlin is actually kind of tight which makes Arthur want to punch a wall because his face is burning. He can’t face Merlin directly for his fear of being asked why he looks like he’s having an allergic reaction. 

Luckily, it’s time for Merlin to go. They both head towards the door and Merlin stops before stepping out. “Thanks for lunch.”

“Yeah, no problem,” Arthur says while looking down. 

“Come over to mine next time! Mum would love to see you.”

Fondness overcomes Arthur and he can’t help the grin on his face from forming. He’s missed Hunith and her sincerity. And her cake. “Just tell me when I’d love to see her too.”  _ Next time, next time, next time.  _

“ _ I will _ ,” Merlin smiles and walks towards his car. Arthur watches him leave and then shuts the door, slides his back against it and groans.  _ What the actual fuck.  _

He’s never felt this way around anyone before. He hasn’t lost complete control of his thoughts or his body and he’s never been so embarrassed. So what the hell is it about Merlin that’s making him go  _ insane _ ? Arthur would ask Morgana (since she’s good with relationships and all of this) but he’d rather die than go through that, so he’ll deal with it on his own. 

He moves to the couch and puts on another movie to calm himself down, but when that doesn’t work he tries to walk around the house and when  _ that  _ doesn’t work he tries to go to sleep. Unfortunately, his brain refuses to shut the fuck down and now his head is full of thoughts like,  _ why did he just change in front of me? What the fuck is up with me? I’m dying, that’s what’s happening. I’m having a Merlin induced heart attack. I’m going to die thinking about Merlin. What the actual fuck.  _

He goes against whatever he’s been saying to himself for the past hour or so and goes to ask his sister for help. She helps him calm down and then starts laughing the second he opens his mouth. 

“Stop it! It’s not funny! I’m actually dying,” Arthur pouts. 

“You’re telling me that you’re dying because you find Merlin attractive? This is gold.”

“I don’t find him attractive...it’s just some weird stuff has been going on.”

She stops her giggling for a moment to further ridicule him. “Arthur, I’m  _ so  _ sorry to inform you, but most men don’t blush and avert their eyes when their male friends change in front of them. I’m pretty sure you’re attracted to Merlin.

“You’re serious?”

“I can’t believe that you’re such a fucking moron that  _ I  _ have to tell you that you find your best friend hot. It happens, you’re fine. It’s not like you have actual feelings for him. You saw him shirtless, I’m pretty sure I would be like this if one of my friends did that too. Maybe not to this extent, but you know, I can relate.”

He rolls his eyes and replies, “Thanks.” If it isn’t clear, he’s being sarcastic. He hates his sister with a burning passion right now. 

“Seriously though, it’s fine. You can find another guy attractive and still be straight,” she insists. 

“I’m not even worried about that now! All I’m worried about is not embarrassing myself. I’m always thinking about weird things around him and then turning red when he says my name and  _ I want to die _ . I want to curl up into a ball and never talk to anyone again."

“Hey, you’re fine, you’re just having a little trouble. Take your time, okay?” She pauses, “Okay, how about this, anytime you talk to him, just try and breathe. He’s not something scary, he’s your best friend and you can talk to him.”

“Okay.” He looks down. “Okay, I’m fine. I won’t die.”

“Yeah, now get some sleep?” 

“Okay.” 

He goes to bed and stares at the ceiling. There are still a few plastic stars on his wall from when Merlin climbed on a chair and stuck them there. He wants to tear them all down. 

The more he thinks about Merlin, the more his head starts to hurt. He thrashes against the blankets and tries to get into a more comfortable position, but he can’t no matter how hard he tries.  _ Fuck.  _ He slowly realizes that he does find his best friend  _ very  _ attractive and then he almost screams his lungs out at three in the morning.  _ Fuck.  _

-

Google: what to do when you suddenly find your best friend hot? 

He waits impatiently for an answer before he goes to work, which is ultimately where he’ll meet his demise. He opens the door to their shed once he steps foot on the farm and already his heart is racing. It shouldn’t be since this shouldn’t be such a big deal, but his brain thinks otherwise. Leon is inside the shed gathering tools for the stables, so Arthur says hello and walks with him. 

Arthur likes the stables and the horses. They might be his favorite part about working at the farm. He cleans all the stables for most of the day, sweeping hay and such off the ground. He feeds every one of the horses and moves for the cattle and the rest of the animals. It’s almost therapeutic, so it helps with his restlessness. Until Merlin saunters towards Arthur with two oranges in hand. 

“I haven’t seen you all day. What are you doing now?” He leans over the fence holding the cattle. 

“Um, just helping with the horses and things. Nothing much, what about you? Slacking off as usual,” Arthur frowns. 

“I’m not  _ slacking off _ , I’m just taking a break.”

Arthur smiles slightly. “Yeah, yeah, totally not avoiding helping Leon with the plants.” 

Merlin rolls his eyes. “Anyway, since  _ I’m not avoiding Leon _ and I’m here, I have oranges.”

“My hands are kind of full, don’t you think?”

“That’s why I’ll just peel them for you. You’re so stupid sometimes,” he says as if it’s obvious. 

“Oh, okay.”

They talk while Merlin tears into the fruit. He peels messily, and tangerine skin falls all around his feet as he talks with Arthur. When he finally peels this first tangerine, he throws it up in the air and yells at Arthur to catch it with his mouth. The slice, unfortunately, falls to the ground and gets covered in dirt and hay. Arthur deadpans at Merlin to tell him that he’s ruined a perfectly good fruit. Merlin doesn’t learn from his mistake and throws another slice into the air. Arthur tries to catch it, but for all he tries, it glides past his bottom lip and tumbles to the ground. They stare at each other and then the fallen slice and burst into laughter

The next time Merlin feeds him a tangerine, he holds the slice up to his mouth and says, “Open your mouth.”

“Huh?”

“You have gloves on, they’re covered in dirt and your hands are full. I’m giving you the orange, so take it,” Merlin laughs. 

“Oh, okay.” 

Merlin extends his hand to reach Arthur’s mouth and he bites into the orange. Arthur can’t help but feel like this moment is too intimate, he can see the juice from the orange on Merlin’s hand, and the sour taste lingers in his mouth. Merlin gives him the rest of the tangerine like this and peels one for himself. He continues the conversation as if he hasn’t stopped Arthur’s breathing due to whatever the fuck just happened. 

Arthur almost hates how Merlin makes him feel while the other man is so confident in his actions. He makes Arthur stutter and become red and then leaves. Arthur can barely breathe because now the air around him smells like oranges. He doesn’t really know how to feel about the fruit now. 

-

It’s a Saturday evening, Arthur is at Merlin’s house watching some kind of documentary on the ocean, which he doesn’t care much for, but Merlin loves it. They have popcorn for days and are curled up on the couch like cocoons. The television light makes Merlin’s skin look blue, which Arthur finds fascinating. He finds himself looking at Merlin a lot during the documentary, which he should stop because Merlin will notice, but he doesn’t. He takes side glances every now and then, and Arthur realizes how much he likes the crinkle of Merlin’s eyes when he smiles.

He gets caught, unsurprisingly, and then everything goes downhill. 

“Is there something on my face?”

“What?” Arthur says as a sad attempt to save himself. Lately, a lot of his actions have resulted in embarrassing himself. 

“You keep staring at me, so.”

“No, there’s nothing on your face.” Arthur attempts a weak smile. 

Merlin moves from his position on the couch to crawl closer to Arthur. This time he  _ really  _ pushes Arthur’s buttons when he moves close to Arthur’s face and asks, “Are you sure? There’s nothing on my face."

Arthur swallows. “Yeah, there’s nothing on your face.” He can barely keep eye contact, so Arthur’s eyes roam all over the other man’s face, which is fine since he can pass it off as searching for something, but his eyes settle on Merlin’s lips. He swallows again. “Nothing there.”

“Okay, if you say so,” Merlin sighs as if something is disappointing. They go back to watching the documentary and eating popcorn like there wasn’t any tension between them seconds ago. At some point, there’s a jump scare (which shouldn’t happen in an  _ ocean documentary _ , but it does) and both of them jump and cling to each other. Neither of them looks at each other, they just grasp onto each other’s shoulders. 

At some point during the movie, Merlin’s hand travels from Arthur’s arm to his hand. Arthur immediately turns to look at their interlocked fingers and feels a warmth form in his chest. 

The film ends and Merlin lets go of Arthur’s hand to turn the lights back on. They grab dinner from the table (which is basically leftover pizza) and settle on the couch again. Merlin flips through the television channels and finally settles on another documentary, Arthur internally groans because it’s about the forest. Merlin completely ignores the film though, and he turns towards Arthur. 

“You’re not dating anyone are you?”

Arthur’s eyes go a little wide. “No...why the sudden interest?” He tries to joke around to mask his nervousness. 

“No reason,” he shrugs, but nudges Arthur to ask another question, “Do you like anyone?”

Arthur almost chokes on the pizza slice he’s eating, but quickly clears his throat to cover it up. “Um, maybe, I don’t know, it’s kind of confusing.”

“Really? What’s her name?” Merlin jumps up in his seat. 

Arthur takes a deep breath before speaking again. “...How do you know that they’re a girl?”

This time Merlin’s eyes go wide, and Arthur can hear him gasp slightly under the television noise. “So they’re not a girl?”

“No.”

“Are they a guy?”

“Yeah,” he says before he exhales in relief.  _ That wasn’t so hard _ . 

“Why so confusing?”

“Um, I don’t know if I like them or not, or if it’s just a random infatuation thing.”

Merlin moves closer to him on the couch, and the leather underneath him squeaks.“Could you see yourself dating a guy?” Merlin pauses, “What about this guy?”

“Maybe? I don’t know.”

“Could you kiss a guy? Like ever in the future?” Merlin is getting dangerously close now, they’re barely a few inches apart. 

Arthur licks his lips before answering. “Maybe.” 

Merlin rolls his eyes at the answer and then proceeds to ask one final question. “Can you kiss me?”

Arthur swallows. “...Yeah.” This time he moves closer if that’s even possible now.

“Okay-” 

Arthur doesn’t let Merlin finish whatever he’s going to say, and presses his lips to Merlin’s. He melts against Merlin’s mouth, and thinks,  _ this is how a kiss is supposed to feel.  _ It’s languid and Arthur weaves his fingers through Merlin’s hair. He smiles into the kiss and simultaneously interrupts it. 

When they pull apart Arthur feels like he needs to say something. “I really like the way you kiss.” He’s breathless, even if they’ve kissed for barely a minute. 

“Yeah?” Merlin whispers and pulls him into another kiss. They don’t rush, it’s not feverish or desperate, Arthur figures that they have all the time in the world. Merlin peppers closed mouth kisses onto his mouth and then the corner of his mouth and then his jaw. Arthur lets out small gasps with each new kiss, and this is the first time he notices that he’s completely at Merlin’s mercy. He doesn’t mind it at all.

His face is absolutely burning when they pull apart for a second time, and all he can do is repeat his words. “I  _ really  _ like the way you kiss.” Merlin laughs and grabs Arthur’s shoulders as a response. His face is equally red, and his hair is messed up from Arthur’s fingers. What Arthur notices the most though, is how Merlin’s pupils are blown wide and this makes Arthur’s heart race wildly. He wants to kiss Merlin again and again and again until their lips are bruised. So he does. 

They fall asleep on the couch kissing and Arthur’s heart feels full for the first time in a long time. 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is so long ;-; i thinks it's like 7k ajfdaf i tried to cut it off but i kept going and going and i like it..but it's so LONG omg...i hope you enjoyed it doe, this was honestly so fun 2 write <3


	10. peony

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> peony - romance, prosperity, good fortune, a happy marriage; a sign of your love

age 25 & 26

-

“We’re going to be late, Arthur! You seriously can’t take two hours to get ready.” 

Arthur fixes his shirt and rushes out of the room with his keys and his coat before Merlin’s yelling becomes more incessant. “I can’t get my tie on properly,” he pouts.

Merlin rolls his eyes, but still ties Arthur’s tie for him. He complains about how they’re going to be late for the wedding, where Arthur is the _best man_ , so Arthur thinks it’s a little justified. Merlin pats Arthur’s chest once he’s done and places a kiss to the corner of his mouth before they run out the door. 

They’re running the whole day; running from their car to the entrance and then to Morgana and Gwen’s rooms. Arthur goes to his sister while his boyfriend goes to the other bride. 

Morgana is having a full-on meltdown when he gets there. She’s about to mess up her makeup by bursting into tears about something trivial like her hair. This is what he hears from the woman next to him. She’s refusing to let anyone touch her face to help her or even go near her at this point. Once everyone spots him, they all run towards Arthur and beg him to help. 

He walks towards her and when she refuses to look at him, he persists, saying that Gwen would _probably_ be sad if her bride didn’t show up to her own wedding. That gets her to laugh a little, and he can finally start to calm her down. 

“What’s wrong?” He asks, careful to not upset her any further. He didn’t think Morgana would be one to be so emotional on her wedding day. 

“My hair is ruined, I’m going to ruin my makeup with my tears,” she sniffles, “and the flowers for the wedding aren’t even right!”

“What’s out there then?”

She sniffles again and grabs another tissue to prevent her mascara from running. “They were supposed to be pink roses, but I think the order got mixed up and now it’s something else,” she gets this sentence out before she starts to actually cry. 

Arthur grabs a full box of tissues because he knows when all of this is over, she’ll be mad at him for letting herself ruin her makeup. He hands her the tissues and grabs her hands.

“Morgana, I’m sure Gwen won’t mind if there aren’t pink roses-”

“But they’re her favorite!”

“I’m _sure_ she won’t mind if the wrong flowers are there because if you’re not there on time, that’s what's going to upset her. Okay? You look beautiful and your hair looks nice, so let the makeup people help you and let’s go.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yes, _I’m sure._ ” 

“...I’m glad you're my best man,” she finally smiles and then punches Arthur’s shoulder. _Ow._

He sighs out of relief the second he exits the room and immediately goes to find Merlin. When Arthur does find him, he collapses into the nearest chair out of exhaustion. Merlin looks equally exhausted and all they have to do is exchange looks to know that both of them are forever traumatized. 

“That bad?”

“She was complaining about everything, oh my God. She almost ruined her makeup crying too,” Arthur shakes his head, “What about you?”

“Same here, but Gwen didn’t have her vows finished. I had to help her!” 

Arthur starts to laugh uncontrollably, which causes Merlin to follow. They’re laughing so loud now that others turn to look at the commotion. 

Merlin wipes a tear off his eye. “You promise me that you’re not going to be this emotional at our wedding right?” 

Both of their eyes go wide when they process the question, Merlin rushes to say that it’s not what he meant and Arthur rushes to say that it's okay. The tips of Arthur’s ears are on fire while they walk towards the aisle. 

Merlin turns to him and says again, “I didn’t mean to say it like that, just-”

“No, it’s okay. Also, I think that you’re going to be the emotional one at our wedding.” He flashes a coy smile. 

Merlin turns bright red at the assumption. “No, I will not! I _know_ for a fact that you’ll be crying your eyes out.”

“Hmm...maybe,” he pauses and turns to face his boyfriend, “Is this your official proposal, or are you going to do a proper one?”

“Well, I can’t propose at someone else's wedding. You’ll just have to wait.” Merlin winks and leaves Arthur with wide eyes. 

The time comes for the actual wedding, and Arthur feels nervous _for_ Morgana. Uther leads Morgana down the aisle (he came to terms with her sexuality almost immediately after she came out, surprisingly) and Gwen is led by Elyan. He stands by Morgana’s side and Merlin sits in the front row, watching. 

The ceremony is beautiful, and both women are absolutely stunning. Gwen is dressed in a lacy gown with a slight train while Morgana is in a simple full-sleeved dress. They exchange their vows, and everyone in the crowd starts _bawling_ , and the two brides start to tear up too. Merlin is a complete mess in the front row, so much so that a lady next to him hands him her handkerchief. He holds in a laugh as he watches the scene unfold, but he also needs a tissue of his own. 

Once Morgana and Gwen exchange wedding rings and kiss, the whole room goes up in claps and congratulations are yelled as if they’re on top of a mountain. 

The celebration after is just as great, and even if Arthur can’t handle liquor for shit, he still drinks. He has one hand holding a glass of champagne and another holding Merlin’s hand as they dance. Both of them are still atrocious at dancing, tripping over each other’s feet and stepping on each other’s shoes. They laugh it off while simultaneously being in pain from their clumsiness. Arthur laughs into Merlin’s shoulder as they trip all over the dance floor and embarrass themselves. 

He thinks about what they’ll be like at their wedding. He won’t be able to drink for sure, Merlin probably wouldn’t let him near a glass of champagne. Merlin would definitely cry, and maybe Arthur too and they’d probably end up kissing with lips wet from tears. He sinks his head down into the crook of Merlin’s neck and mumbles, “I really love you.”

“What’s that?”

He faces Merlin, both of their faces are flushed from the alcohol, but Arthur likes the way the liquor colors Merlin’s cheeks pink. “I said that I really love you,” he repeats even louder. 

Merlin puts their foreheads together and lets their noses touch. “I love you too.”

Arthur giggles and drapes himself over Merlin’s shoulders. He whispers into the other man's ear, “I know you said that we couldn’t propose at someone else’s wedding, but I want to marry you. I _really_ want to marry you.” 

“You’re so romantic when you’re drunk,” Merlin teases as he places a small kiss on Arthur’s forehead. Even in a room full of people, Merlin manages to make Arthur feel like they’re the only people in the world. 

“You’re going to marry me though, right?”

Merlin sighs happily. “I already have the flowers picked out.” 

“Which ones?” Arthur lifts his head to look at Merlin’s face.

“Peonies.” 

-

Arthur takes the bouquet of flowers from the car and places them on the table. When he goes to take a shower, Merlin is still asleep. He exits the bathroom ten minutes later and makes breakfast before he and Merlin have to leave for work.

Merlin is finally awake, and he groggily walks towards Arthur but takes a detour when he finds the flowers. 

“I see you found the flowers,” he smiles. 

“I did,” he pauses, “Who are they for? They’re pretty.”

Arthur laughs, “For you, stupid.”

“Oh,” Merlin blushes when he smells the bouquet, “I like them.” 

Arthur hums as a response and keeps cooking. 

“Where did you get them? I don’t think the store has these right now.”

“I found them somewhere out of town yesterday,” he turns away from the stove to speak again, “Did you find the note too? I swear I put it in there-”

“Note? I didn’t see anything,” Merlin frowns. 

They search around for a minute, and once Arthur finds it, he places it in the other man’s hand and walks back towards the stove. He knows it’s cheesy and stupid, but Merlin likes these things, so why not.

The note reads, _For my sunshine, have a great day,_ and it has a little heart at the end of the message as well. Arthur couldn’t help but cringe when writing it, but judging from Merlin’s face, he seems to like it. That’s all that matters. 

He walks up to Arthur and kisses his cheek as a thank you. “I can bring you flowers today too if you want. Sunflowers are your favorite, right?”

“Yeah,” he replies with a smile, “You don’t have to though.”

“I like sunflowers, I like you, you like sunflowers, you like me,” Merlin says matter factly, “I’ll get you flowers today, we need some color in the apartment anyway.”

Even after five years, Merlin manages to make Arthur’s cheeks turn a humiliating shade of red. “Okay. Thank you.”

“How much time do you have before work?”

“A little, maybe thirty minutes? Why-”

Merlin doesn’t let Arthur finish his question and kisses him softly. He might burn their breakfast, but Arthur can always make another one. They’ve got time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you made it this far, thank you so so much for reading <3 it means so much! i started this fic in june last year and because of the current quarantine i decided to pick it back up again. i hope you enjoyed reading it as much as i did writing, and i hope you're all safe and healthy!!
> 
> a huge, gigantic thank you to my wonderful friend garima who supported me through the entirety of this, thank you for editing and being so kind about everything. i love you to the moon and back...we are besties 4 lyfe <3
> 
> thank you to em, for being such an amazing friend to ft with during this process, and for hyping me up so much, i love you so so much! <33


End file.
